Listing /Comedy ...
#4 SIG HEADER: /Comedy SIG-Op: Rex Created: 28-APR-94 07:36
SIG Topic: You can lead a horse to water but .... how?
Thoughts of the Day:
Welcome to /comedy
Last night I lay in bed,
staring up at the stars,
wondering --
Where in the fuq did my roof go?
§ MinnieM §
Public Msg #477357 *Comedy* 18:40 02-DEC-94 *EXEMPT*
From: Zuid (1 Reply) (Awarded 800 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: The Ten Commandments
I got this from PC World magazine (I was bored ok???)
1. Thou shalt defend thine Intel architecture against its accursed
rivals
2. Thou shalt back up thy files BEFORE they disappear from thy machine
3. Thou shalt register thy software lest it by thought thou art going to
make copies for thy brethren
4. Thou shalt never use software which falleth of the back of a chariot
5. Thou shalt not log onto BBSs in false names, nor leave false messages
to cause grief
6. Thou shalt occasionally pay for the shareware which thou usest
7. Thou shal take a break every time the screen gets hazy and thy nether
regions lose all feeling
8. Thou shalt not buy double-density disks and punch an extra hole to
make them high density
9. Thou shalt read the manual BEFORE thou callest for support
10.Thou shalt occasionally visit thy family, and verily, even speak unto
them
11.Thou shalt return to 1 and repeat
úZuidú
Public Msg #490097 *Comedy* 17:15 02-DEC-94 *EXEMPT*
From: Psycho (Awarded 10000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Truckie
Copy by Rex
` This trucky is driving through the outback and had just
completed the awful task of going through his ten gear changes after a
stopover in the previous township. He's sitting back in his cab, in
his element, admiring the scenery when he sees in the distance a
hitch-hiker. Now his eyesight is pretty good, and he can see it's a
pretty young girl in a short skirt - an opportunity not to be missed,
even if it means going back down through all the gears just to stop
and pick her up. He begins the daunting task of downchanging gears.
Half a mile ahead of her, he manages to bring the huge semi to
a screeching halt. The young woman quickly runs up to the cab, hauls
the door open and asks if he's heading her way. Naturally he is. So
she ditches her back in the sleeper cab and plucks herself into the
passenger seat impressed with the comfort of the cab.
So, the trucky begins the arduous task of going through all
the gears again. The truck pulls off in first, he switches it up to
second. The semi gathers a bit of momentum, the huge exhaust pipes
pumping plumes of smoke as he moves into third. Then into fourth as he
gathers speed and gets into fifth. Half way there. He further pushes
the big vehicle into six, then seventh, and a quick wipe of sweat from
the brow. Up into eighth, then to ninth......then finally into Tenth.
"Phew!" he exclaims sinking back into his seat, "What a
nightmare getting through these gears!"
The girl gives a chuckle but then suddenly bursts, "Oh shit, I
think you better stop because I need to have a wee wee!"
The trucky is exasperated, "Naw, babe. It's too much of a
bloody thing to have to change gears up and down in this rig. There's
ten gears to have to change! Can you wait a while?"
"I guess so," replies the girl but within a kilometre, with
the cab bouncing around, "No, you'll have to stop I have to go now!"
But the trucky is adamant, "Sorry love, you'll have to wait
until the next town. I can't stop with these gears giving me hell."
"But I'm bustin'!" protests the girl.
The trucky thinks for a minute, "I tell you what. There's no
one out here. Why don't you wind down the window, lift your skirt,
stick your rear end out and let fly. I'm not going to be looking, I'll
have my eyes fixed on the road ahead!"
The girl isn't impressed but realises there's nothing else to
do, so she complies. Down goes the window, up goes the skirt and out
goes her rear end and the relief is evident as she let flies!
MEANWHILE, there's a couple of lads on an outback bicycle trek
who have just stopped on the side of the road for a quick rest. Over
a nearby crest approaches a truck and within a few moments it shoots
past them!
Needless to say, they get doused in urine!
Says one 'bikie' to his mate as he wipes the unwanted mess
from his top, "Geez, those truckies can sure spit!"
"Yeah," replies his mate, "And did you see the lips on the
bastard?!"
... P$›×í
Public Msg #490098 *Comedy* 13:24 06-DEC-94 *EXEMPT*
From: Grizz (Awarded 8000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: RichMan.txt
Copy by Rex
This one is a bit long so, as requested it is a textfile. I hope you
enjoy :)
_--_|\
/Grizz.\
\_.--._/
v
Public Msg #490099 *Comedy* 13:17 02-DEC-94 *EXEMPT*
From: Zoltan (1 Reply) (Awarded 5000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: The one about the crocodile
Copy by Rex
A guy has been sitting in a bar in Northern Queens land for most of the
afternoon and evening bragging about how tough he is. Finally the boss
has had enough and says, "Look, mate, you keep talking about how tough
you are but no one here has seen you do anything tough. Why don't you
prove yourself?"
"Righto, mate", he says, "What do you want me to do?"
"Well, you can throw out those three drunken bullies at the pool table,
they've been causing a bit of a stir. Then, I've got a crocodile out
the back with an abscessed tooth who's in a real bad mood. You can pull
it's tooth out. And finally, upstairs I've got a prostitute who says no
man can satisfy her, you can go and give her a real good shagging".
"Righto", says the man. He jumps over to the pool table and within
seconds he's thrown out the bullies. Next he hops behind the bar and
jumps into the basement with the crocodile. The noise is deafening.
Screaming and shouting, banging and cluttering. After about 20 or 30
minutes the man comes out of the basement, his clothes are shredded and
he's bleeding all over the place.
"Right, where's this hooker with an abscesses tooth?"
Public Msg #530523 *Comedy* 09:25 06-MAR-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Grizz (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: 2ronnies.txt
Here's a file on some of the "News" type sketches that the Two
Ronnies made famous. I took the liberty of changing place-names and
politicians names, etc to Aussie ones so please don't call me a
plagiarist - the reason being is I don't know what a plagiarist is.
(I just stole the word from someone else :) er... anyway without further
ado here it is!
_--_|\
/Grizz.\
\_.--._/
v
Public Msg #533715 *Comedy* 16:24 11-MAR-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Minniem (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Jokes
These are signs in hotels and other public places in foreign countries
where they make the effort to write signs in English but their efforts
go astray.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on
our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpuse.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpuse.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodist.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation
has been played.
In a Rome laudry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
good time.
In a Czechoslovakian turist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours -- we guarantee no
miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock
to right.
In the window of a Swedish Furrier:
Fur coates made for ladies from their own skin.
-------------------------------------------------------------
I could go on but i had a complaint about long messages soooooo....
da.. da... dats all fyolks!
MiN
Public Msg #533725 *Comedy* 16:43 11-MAR-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Minniem (1 Reply) (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: And as we travel....
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even foreigner if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed animals. If you have any suitable food, give
it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.
MiN
Public Msg #559161 *Comedy* 13:47 23-APR-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Doms (2 Replies) (Awarded 2500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: mad joke
eddie charlton is at the pub on his night off,he's playing pool with
some mates when this really hot chick walks in.he starts looking at her
and she notices him,she walks over to him and goes "you're eddie
charlton that famous pool player" eddie goes "yeah that's right".well
anyway they get talking.ten minutes later eddie asks her if she wants to
go back to his place and the chick goes yeah ok.they get back to his
place and have a few drinks,then eddie asks "do you want to have sex?"
the woman goes "yeah why not".eddie goes "well sit down over there ,take
your clothes off and sit doggy style".the woman does this and waits for
eddie,she turns around to see what eddie is doing.eddie is there
chalking his dick, she asks him "what are you waiting for?" eddie goes "
well i don't know whether to aim for the pink or the brown"
Public Msg #572877 *Comedy* 20:36 17-MAY-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Honey (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: OH NO!
A guy was visiting his wife in hospital and the doctor informed him that
she only had a very shortr time to live. She was connected up to a heart
monitor which was bearly beeping. The doctor said "Look I think I
better go and get teh Priest and get her last rites done before it's too
late.
As the man was sitting there alone he was thinking about his wife and
the life they had had together and how wonderful their sex life had
been. He remembered that the one thing she loved best was when he gave
her oral sex. So he looked around and thought why not, no one is here.
So he started and the heart monitor started beeping faster and stronger
and his wife started writhing on the bed and suddenly she opened her
eyes smiled and enjoyed the best orgasm she had had in ages.
The doctor returned and found the man crying and the doctor said "Why
are you crying, what you did has given your wife the chance of life, she
will life now."
The man replied "I know that but if only I had known the effect that
would have last week, I might have been able to save my mother.!!
HoNeY
Public Msg #586848 *Comedy* 14:56 15-JUN-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Grizz (Awarded 800 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: and then there was this other drunk...
This drunk staggers into a pub and the barman takes one look and
says, "You're pissed! Go away we won't serve intoxicated people."
The drunk staggers back out, walks around the block and staggers
back into the pub again. Again he's told to P.O.Q. by the barman.
He staggers out the door and down the road. Around the block he goes
again and staggers up the steps of the pub again.
Poking his head through the door, he spots the barman looking at
him angrily. "Jeshus Chrisht! D'you own EVERY pub in this town?!?!"
--------------------------------------------------
This other drunk is staggering down the road when two nuns pass
either side of him. He wheels around, scratches his head and says,
"How the f**k did she do that?!?!"
-------------------------------------------------
That's all folks... And remember...it was a woman who drove me to
drink. I still feel bad about it. I never wrote and thanked her!
_--_|\
/Grizz.\
\_.--._/
v
Public Msg #588734 *Comedy* 10:10 19-JUN-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Grizz (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: one day at the local.
This drunk, a little worse for wear, staggers up to the bar
and asks the barman where the mens room was. The barman points
in the general direction and as the drunk staggers off he jokingly
says, "And have one for me, mate."
A few minutes later the drunk stumbles back to the bar and says,
"Dammit! I forgot to have one for you!" Off he went again, returning
five minutes later muttering something under his breath.
"What's wrong?" asked the barman.
"You didn't wanna go at all!" said the drunk.
_--_|\
/Grizz.\
\_.--._/
v
Public Msg #590519 *Comedy* 15:42 23-JUN-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Grizz (Awarded 10700 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: a rather sheepish one
This drunk staggers into an outback pub and yells at the top of
his voice, "Paul Keating has a face like the back end of a sheep!"
There was an almighty uproar from the patrons and he was bashed
and then violently thrown out the door. As he lay on the footpath,
bruised and battered, the drunk said, "Jesus! I didn't think they'd
all be Labor supporters in there!"
"They're not," said a passer-by. "They're sheep farmers."
_--_|\
/Grizz.\
\_.--._/
v
Public Msg #594403 *Comedy* 10:02 04-JUL-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Rhonda (Awarded 6800 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: supplies
3 men answered an ad to join a mining survey expedition into the
Outback. They were a Scotsman, a German, and a Chinaman. The
boss sed the Scotsman would b in charge of the engineers, the
German would b in charge of the mechanics and the Chinaman the
supplies. "But we leave a 8 promptly tomorrow," he sed.
.
Next morning, the Scot & the German showed up, but there was no
sign of the Chinaman. They waited for half an hr b4 the boss gave a
curse & ordered that they set off without him.
.
The party had only travelled a few hundred metres when the Chinaman
jumped out from behind a tree and shouted, "Supplies, supplies!"
Public Msg #664575 *Comedy* 10:55 23-NOV-95 *EXEMPT*
From: Rhonda (1 Reply) (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Alibrandi
Subj: weird names
Reply to #664574, Reply to #644910
> ‘ Seymour Butts, Amanda Hugnkiss, I.P Freely etc (sorry for the
> ‘ cliches)
> ‘
> ‘ I am trying to find the ULTIMATE one.. if you got some, please
> ‘ write.
>
> How about "How to have a quickie" By Dooby Brief :)
Also known as Punny Books:
Home, Sweet Home by A. Bachelor
Hooker by Wanna Bawl
How I Won The Marathon by Randy Hoelway
How Radio Works by Anne Tenna
How to Annoy by Aunt Agonize
How to Aviod Drug Dealers by Groyer Owndope
How to be a Lumberjack by Tim Burr
How to Fix a TV Set by Yul B. Sorry
How to Get Rich Quick by Robin Banks, Jack Potts, & Kermit Grimes
How to keep your conference on topic by Mod R. Ator
How to Lose Weight by X. R. Sizemore
How to Relieve pain by Ann L. Gesick
How to Sing by Carrie O. Key
How to Succeed in School. by Rita Book.
How to Tell the Future by Chris Taball
How To Tune Up Your Auto by Carl Humm.
How to Write a Will by Ben E. Factor
How to Write Letters by Adiline Moore
How We Got to Bethlehem by Don Keys
I am Hopelessly Lost by Wareham I. Now
I Didn't Do It by Ivan Alibi
I Hate Housework by I. M. Laizee
I Hate the Sun by Gladys Knight
I Like Fish by Ann Chovie
I Like Liquor by Ethyl Alcohol
I Love Crowds by Morris Merrier
I Love Mathematics by Adam Up
I Say So! by Frank O'Pinion
I'm Someone Else by Ima Nonymous
I'm Tired by Anita Rest
In the Arctic Ocean by Isa Berg
Inflammation by Arthur Itis
Inflammation, Please! by Arthur Itis
Interior Decorating by Curt Enrod
Irish Dentistry by Perry O'Dontal
Irish First Aid by R.U. O'Kaye
P)-P)-P)-
Public Msg #951846 *Comedy* 21:10 29-JUL-97 *EXEMPT*
From: Lestat (2 Replies) (Awarded 3666 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: <grin>
This is a text file that's done the rounds of late, so I'm sorry if
you've already read it and I hope it hasn't been posted here before. :)
Hehe> Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately
Hehe> known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards
Hehe> and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.
Hehe> However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in
Hehe> the following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to
Hehe> quite get the point of cyber sex.
Hehe>
Hehe>
Hehe>
Hehe>
Hehe> Then again, maybe he does...
Enjoy..!
Public Msg #967810 *Comedy* 20:41 23-SEP-97 *EXEMPT*
From: Spychoo (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: jesus.txt
Jesus Hates Stupid Homosexuals Like You.
It's very funny :)
Public Msg #967811 *Comedy* 20:51 23-SEP-97 *EXEMPT*
From: Spychoo (Awarded 4000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: CULT.TXT
> A Parent's Guide to
> Satanic Cult Ritual Abuse
Funny :)
Public Msg #969226 *Comedy* 18:16 28-SEP-97 *EXEMPT*
From: Jedd (Awarded 999 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: Top 5 List - Bill Gates diary entries...
From the top-5 mailing list on the net - this is one of
the few genuinely funny posts I've seen from the list.
Entries in Bill Gates' Diary ...
<ascii attachment>
Jedd.
Public Msg #969230 *Comedy* 18:33 28-SEP-97 *EXEMPT*
From: Jedd (Awarded 999 Credits)
To: Phoen
FILE: naysay.txt
naysayers.. from one of the jokes list on the net. Again - it's
unfortunately short of comedy value, but as usual, your Uncle
Jedd provides only the pick of the cream of the crap (as they
say in the adverts) - so here you go - a list of pleasantly
amusing quotes from nay-sayers, who've made some humorously
ridiculous predictions/observations/etc.
Jedd.
<ascii download>
Public Msg #995221 *Comedy* 22:07 22-DEC-97 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: Cucumbers :)
I found this in my e-mail today and just had to post it. :)
Sorry if you have seen it before.
Kezza
Public Msg #1034080 *Comedy* 14:52 07-JAN-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Hoju (1 Reply) (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: Lesser known programming languages.
This is quite amusing. :)
Really.
Public Msg #1034776 *Comedy* 12:26 09-JAN-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Jedd (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Phoen
FILE: 99 reasons why it's great to be a guy
Text file. Ascii. Well formatted. Funny. Just read it.
Jedd.
Public Msg #1035760 *Comedy* 22:14 12-JAN-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Spychoo (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Johnz
FILE: prof-fun.txt
> 50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class
Funny :)
I've uploaded it before, but i thought it might interest John :) I'll
exempt it :)
Public Msg #1039495 *Comedy* 18:05 21-JAN-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Quickie.
Q. What's the similarity between a woman and KFC?
A. Once you've finished the breasts and the legs, all that's left is
the greasy box to pop your bone in.
---------
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
---------
Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
Bastard sheep. 668 PETCH
Public Msg #1042634 *Comedy* 22:56 31-JAN-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Demod (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Automotive terms.. german style
A Glossary of English/German Motoring Terms
Indicators Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet (Hood) Die Pullnob und knucklechopper
Exhaust Der Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Clutch Die Kulink mit schlippen und schaken
Puncture Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
Learner Die twatte mit ellplatz
Estate Car Der Bagmerroom furschagginkinauto
Parking Meter Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenqweer
Windscreen Wiper Der Flippenflappen muckenschpredder
Footbrake Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear lever Bigenschticken fur Kangarooshtoppen
Breathalyser Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear View Mirror Der Yokhunter Tucklosen
Seat Belt Der Klunkinklikker Frauleintrapper
Headlights Das Dipperenderdazzlubastad
Exhaust (old cars) Der Kaffenundschpitpolluter
Highway Code Der Wipenfurarsen
Fog Warning Die Puttenfootdownen und fukkit
Traffic jam Die Bluddifukkinnk Dammundblast
Rear Seat Der Schpringentester mit Fraulein
Tyres Flahttfarts
Backfire Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
Juggernaut Der Fukkengrett Trucken
Accident Der Bledinmess
Garage Der heiway Robberung
Cyclist Der pedallpushinink Pillocken
Skid Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White Lines Overtaken und Krunchen
Near Accident Der Fukken ner Schittenselfen
Public Msg #1043435 *Comedy* 21:36 03-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Johnz (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: Wom-jok.txt
Jokes ABOUT women!
This is just a little big to fit into a message....
¯ JohnZ ®
Public Msg #1043540 *Comedy* 11:49 04-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Jedd (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Spychoo
Subj: before & after . . the relationship story
Living together
Before she moves in, she wears teddies and suspenders, and
you hold your farts in until she leaves the room; she's a
gorgeous sex kitten and you tell her so; you're so sweet
and adorable, and blowjobs follow ambient dinners like a
fine grandfather port.
After she moves in, she farts in her grungy grey M&S knicks
whilst hypnotised by Coronation Street; you scratch your
nuts unashamedly and bitch about work; oral sex is strictly
quid pro quo and the new girl in the office really does have
a great bum.
When apathy replaces ardour, living together becomes
cohabitation; and your gorgeous sex kitten becomes
"her indoors".
Six key indicators of when the honeymoon period has finished.
Does this sound familiar??
1. Addictions
Before: You tell her you don't mind the occasional cold
beer on a hot day with your mates, and that you've taken
recreational drugs but those days are well and truly over.
After: For the fifth night in a row you stagger in blotto,
dig out your stash and mull up, pass out in the lounge in
your underpants and expect her to accept that you're
just being you.
2. Bodily functions
Before: You spray aerosol after a crap; piss on the side
of the bowl to reduce noise and never, ever, fart in her
presence.
After: You fart in front of her with impunity and obvious
pride, commenting on the food intake for the day and
speculating on the resultant odour. Despite repeated
pleas to the contrary, you fart in bed and hold her head
under the covers. You think it's hilarious.
3. Relations/Friends
Before: Her aunty Jane is a real character with a lively
personality and interesting views about politics, and her
unemployed girlfriend Amanda is a genuine, charming
supportive friend who you think is really nice.
After: Aunty Jane is a loud-mouthed, pain-in-the-arse fascist
with all the personality of a cold sore. Amanda is a
manipulative loser,but you wouldn't mind slipping her one if
the opportunity arose.
4. Sex
Before: Sex is a sweat-soaked, gymnastic romp that
lasts for hours. You fuck to impress, using all
your tricks - your renowned tit grope, marathon oral
sex sessions, and jackhammer-like screwing. Fucking
four times a day is not uncommon.
After: A wank is often preferable to the effort of
sex. When you do have sex, you think about Amanda.
5. Attention span
Before: Her words are hypnotic; her wit is incisive;
her anecdotes about her life pre-you are spellbinding.
Over candlelight and coffee you listen with interest
and politely chortle as she recounts stories of her
childhood.
After: Your eyes glaze over as soon as she mentions
anything that doesn't involve you. What's more, you
develop the uncanny ability to be able to concentrate
on the T.V and listen to her at the same time. The
phrase, "Are you listening to me?" becomes an evening
mantra.
6. The flip side
Before: She thinks you are witty, disciplined, a
sexual athlete, attentive, loving, faithful and
devoid of all crass male habits which have plagued
her previous relationships.....but she suspects
that you're full of shit.
{not mine}
Jedd.
Public Msg #1045910 *Comedy* 15:25 12-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Angeldust (1 Reply) (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Valentines Day!!!!
Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It's definently the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before i shove a dozen roses up cupid's arse
I'll spend the day so drunk i can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it will soon fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow that cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because i think love is a crock of shit
So there's the story...what else can i say?
Love bites my arse...FUCK VALENTINES DAY!!!
(yes please <grin> ) :)
HAPPY V DAY EVERYONE!!! :) :)
-=Angeldust
Public Msg #1046929 *Comedy* 15:20 14-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Laws of Life
"The Law of Volunteering"
If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.
"The Law of Avoiding Oversell"
When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the
mouse.
"The Law of Common Sense"
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
"The Law of Reality"
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to
lose.
"The Law of Self Sacrifice
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
"The Law of Motivation"
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
"Boob's Law"
You always find something in the last place you look.
"Weiler's Law"
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
himself.
"Law of Probable Dispersal"
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
"Law of Volunteer Labor"
People are always available for work in the past tense.
"Conway's Law"
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going
on.
That person must be fired.
"Iron Law of Distribution"
Them that has, gets.
"Law of Cybernetic Entomology"
There is always one more bug.
"Law of Drunkedness"
You can't fall off the floor.
"Heller's Law"
The first myth of management is that it exists.
"Osborne's Law"
Variables won't; constants aren't.
"Main's Law"
For every action there is an equal and opposite government
program.
"Weinberg's Second Law"
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed
civilization.
Kezza
Public Msg #1046931 *Comedy* 15:22 14-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (1 Reply) (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Weight Loss Program
Did you hear about the guy who had tried every diet in the world in
an attempt to lose weight? He tries the Scarsdale diet, the Navy
diet, Weight Watchers, etc. and none worked. He was reading the paper
one day when he noticed a small ad which read: Lose weight $1.00 a
pound. And it simply listed a telephone number.
Having little to lose the man called the number. A voice on the other
end asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the man
responded, 'Ten pounds.'. The voice replied, 'Very well, put you
check in the mail and we'll have a representative over to your house
in the morning.'.
About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. Here
stands a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a
sign around her neck stateing, 'If you catch me you can screw me'.
Well the overweight fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over
sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally he did
catch her and when he was through enjoying himself she said, 'Quick,
go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!'. He did just that and was
amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end
asked, 'How much weight do you want to lose?', to which the somewhat
less overweight man replied, 'Twenty pounds.'. 'Very well', the
voice on the phone told him, 'Put your check in the mail and we'll
have a representative over to your house in the morning.'
At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the
door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only
in track shoes and a sign around her neck stateing 'If you catch me
you can screw me'. The chase took awhile longer this time but the
man finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, 'Quick,
run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!' He ran to the bathroom and
found he had lost another 20 pounds!
'This is fantastic!', he thought to himself. Later that evening he
called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, 'How
much weight do you want to lose?'. 'Fifty pounds!', the man
exclaimed. 'Fifty pounds?', the voice asked. 'That's an awful lot of
weight to lose at one time.'. The overweight man replied, 'My check's
already in the mail. You just have your representative over here in
the morning.', and he hung up the phone.
About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed and gets all
fancied up, ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he
gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees this large
gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, 'If I catch you I'm
going to screw you.'
Kezza
Public Msg #1047224 *Comedy* 10:38 15-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Condoms :)
here is a range of funny, and not so funny brands for condoms :)
Brand Name Condoms
Which condom would you use....
Nike Condoms:....................... Just do it.
Toyota Condoms:..................... Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms:................. You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms:................... Once you pop, you can`t stop.
Mentos Condoms:..................... The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack:....Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: .................... Strong enough for a man, but ph
balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms:.................. It does more, it costs less,
it`s
that simple.
Ford Condoms:....................... The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms:...................... Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms:....................... Aren`t you glad you use it?
Don`t
you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms:............. Cause hey -- you never know.
Avis Condoms:....................... Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms:.................. Keeps going and going ...
KFC Condoms:........................ Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms:.................. Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms:....................... Betcha can`t have just one.
Kezza
Public Msg #1047225 *Comedy* 10:40 15-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: A typical LA maths exam??? :)
City Of Los Angeles
High School Math Exam
Name:_____________________ Gang:________________________
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10
shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive
by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If John has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jimmy
for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street
value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Richard is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick,
how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Richard can pay for
his
$800 per day crack habit?
4. Jacob wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more
profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for
a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he
have to steal to make $800?
6. Robert is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the
hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much
money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years
will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray
with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the
gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
Kezza
Public Msg #1047300 *Comedy* 14:44 15-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Swig (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Fancy Dress!
This bloke went to his mates fancy dress party with nothing but a young
woman on his back.
"So, what the hell are you you supposed to be?" the host asked.
"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.
"What a load of crap!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all
you've got is that young woman on your back?"
"You've got it wrong, mate," the bloke replied. "That's Michelle."
Public Msg #1047315 *Comedy* 15:57 15-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Swig (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Is God a cunt?
An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a
bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says
quietly to himself, "Oh God, I'm fucked."
There is a ray of light from heaven and voice booms out "No, you are not
fucked. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the
chief standing in front of you."
So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living shit
out of the chief. As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing
heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their
faces, God's voice booms out again, "Okay ..... Now you're fucked."
Public Msg #1047863 *Comedy* 16:25 17-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Jedd (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: tips.txt
hints and tips.
uploaded (as ascii) because the line lengths are all
around the 77 character mark (so they'd all force a line
break, which looks ugly).
so - press 'y' when it asks if you want to download
the file, and then press '1' when it says how do you
want to download the file. it's about a half-message
sized file. as usual, or rather, as you'd expect,
since it's from me, it has some humour value. (ie,
it is definitely *not* in the same league as the
kind of humour we get from chucky, say. :)
jedd.
Public Msg #1048865 *Comedy* 11:13 20-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Warped (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: jokes
a man walked into a bar and said ouch!
A wizard was strolling about the botanic gardens one day and noted two
statues, a man statue and a woman statue, perched on each side of the
path. 'Look at that' he murmured to himself. 'there they have been since
federation, in sun and rain, heat and col, droughts, floods, and
bushfires and never5 a move. I will reward them.' So he clicked his
fingers and he humanised the statues. 'As a reward for your patience,'
he told them, 'you can have half an hour as humans.' the man statue
loked at the woman staute and said 'Will we?'
'Yes, let's' giggles the woman statue. So they retired behind some
bushes, whence for some 15 minutes came muffles sounds of gasps, giggles
and grunts.Teh they came out from behind the bushes, pink in the face,
and dusting off turf and grass and ferns and lolly papers and beer can
labels.
The wizard looked at his watch and said, 'you still have 15 minutes
before you're back to being statues.'
The woman statue said to the man statue 'Again?'
'Too right,' said the man statue, 'only this time you hold the pigeon
and i'll crap on it.'
Public Msg #1048868 *Comedy* 11:16 20-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Jedd (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Spychoo
Subj: darwin award (abridged)
THE WINNERS: John Pernicky and his friend, Sal Hawkins, of the great
state of Washington, who decided to attend a local Metallica concert
at the Amphitheatre at Gorge, AS. Having no tickets (but 18 beers
among them) they thought it would be easy enough to hop over the 9 foot
high fence and sneak into the show. The 2 friends pulled their pickup
truck over to the fence and the plan was for John - 100 pounds heavier
than Sal - to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence.
Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side
of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing
through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch
which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one
arm broken, John locked down and saw a group of bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself
from the tree.
Finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp
leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts,
he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his
rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded
to fall with him and landed 3 inches into his left thigh.
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to
throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup
truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken stupor, Sal put
the truck into reverse rather than first, and crashed through the fence,
landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck,
suffered massive internal injuries and died at the scene. Police
arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from
the truck.
Upon moving the truck they found John under it, half naked, with
scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh and his
shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations, gentlemen...
Public Msg #1049178 *Comedy* 10:07 21-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Goktimus (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: "Mmm...???"
Here are some "Mmm..." lines from Homer Simpson.
Public Msg #1049274 *Comedy* 17:41 21-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Klein (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Chickens
What's the difference between eroticism and kinky?
Eroticism is having sex with a chicken, being kinky is eating the
chicken afterwards. :)
Public Msg #1049305 *Comedy* 18:46 21-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (1 Reply) (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Polish Girls
A Polish girl's visa ran out in New York City at the same
time as her money. She was desperate to get back to Poland, and
utterly penniless. It was in this condition that she was confronted
by a man in sailor's garb at the dock one day. After confiding in
him, he proposed a solution to her problem. "I will smuggle you
aboard my ship tonight and hide you. Twice a day I will bring you
food to keep you alive during our passage. All you have to do in
return is give me a blowjob each time I bring the food. You won't
have to spend any money whatsoever."
She agreed. And, true to his word, the sailor brought her
a meal twice daily to her dark, quiet hiding place. She fulfilled
her part of the bargain each visit.
After three weeks, though, the captain noticed his sailor's
odd routine, and followed him to the girl's hiding spot, where he
watch the exchange of food and semen. After the sailor left, he
confronted the stowaway, and she confessed everything to him.
"Well, my dear," he smiled, "that was damn decent of my
crewman to take you under his wing, but I am afraid you are being
taken advantage of by him. You see, this is the Staten Island
ferry."
Kezza
Public Msg #1050111 *Comedy* 02:18 24-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: The Piano Player
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bar owner if he can play piano
there at nights to earn some extra money. The barman says "Well we
don't really need a piano player" and the guy say's "C'mon, gimme a
go...I'll play for tips only" so the barman says "Well there's a
piano over there, let's see what you can do!".
The guy walks over to the piano, sits down, and starts to play.
He begins playing a wonderful composition and the bar owner is
quite impressed! The owner says "Oh that's great!" and the guy
says "Yeah? I wrote it myself!" and the owner says "Great! What's
it called" and the guy answers "Rooting small children with my huge
black cock" and the owner says "Oh that's disgusting! Play something
else instead!". The guy begins playing another tune, and it's also
very good! The owner says "Wow! That's great too! Did you write
that!?" and the guy says "Yep! That's one of mine too!" and the
owner says "What's this one called?" and the guys says "Licking the
sweat off my Granmother's back while fucking her up the arse!".
The owner says "Oh that's totally awful!! Look, you're a good
player and I'm prepared to give you a job, but whatever you do
*DON'T* announce the names of your tunes! Just play!" and the
guy agrees to this.
That night, the guy is playing and all is going well. The bar
owner is quite pleased and so is the crowd. Suddenly, he notices
that the piano player has his fly undone, his penis out, and is
urinating on the floor of the stage! The owner is disgusted and
walks up to him and whispers "Do you know your cock is hanging
out and you're pissing all over the floor?" and the guy replies
"Yeah man, I wrote that too".
MikeZ.
Public Msg #1050215 *Comedy* 13:12 24-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Goktimus (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: GI JOE Vs KEN
The TOP TEN DIFFERENCES BETWEEN GI JOE AND KEN
[Disclaimer: GI Joe is property of Hasbro Co. Ltd., Ken is property of
Mattel Co. Ltd. Please don't sue me, I have no money anyway.]
10. GI Joe designed for manly art of armed combat.
Ken designed for tennis.
9. Joe can knock back ten brewskies and still take on the Cobra hordes.
Ken plastered after one "nada colada."
8. Joe's "Kung Fu" grip permits proper manipulation of accessories.
Ken's hard plastic hands force him to undress Barbie with his teeth.
7. GI Joe: Lowly Infantryman
Ken: covert CIA advisor to South Vietnamese forces in Danang 1965.
6. GI Joe drives Sherman tank with 50mm Howitzer.
Ken has "cool" pink convertible coupe.
5. GI Joe: hasn't gotten lucky in years.
Ken: Gettin' busy with Skipper on his side.
4. Joe defends America with her interests abroad.
Ken defends his right to hand out with Barbie, a broad.
3. GI Joe represents the best in America's fighting forces.
Ken represents the failed, morally bankrupt yuppie lifestyle.
2. GI Joe can kill you with a fingernail.
Ken cries like a baby when he stubs his toe.
1. GI Joe is made of plastic.
Ken *is* plastic.
G.I. Gok
Public Msg #1051594 *Comedy* 09:54 28-FEB-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Evaluate your Mind :)
EVALUATE YOUR MIND
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I tell you to spit and ask you
not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you are bored.
The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. All day long, it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft.
Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
4. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good. What am I?
5. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box.
When I come, it's news. What am I?
6. I offer protection. I get the finger five times. You use your
fingers to get me off. What am I?
7. I have a stiff shaft. MY tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
What am I?
8. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little
pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. What am I?
9. This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 6 inches long.
The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually
found, hung dangling, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of
little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use,
it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly,
sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust
in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly
and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening
will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound resulting from
the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind
a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need
cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long,
glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and
cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely
hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully
reaching its bristling climax twice or three times daily, but often much
less. What is it?
ANSWERS:
1. A dentist
2. A wedding ring
3. An elevator
4. A nose
5. A newspaper boy
6. A glove
7. An arrow
8. A bird
9. A toothbrush. What else?
SCORES:
0-1 SLEAZE!
2-4 Mind in the gutter
5-7 Not too bad...
8-9 Asexual?
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1051967 *Comedy* 12:35 01-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Guitars and Women :)
Why Guitars Are Better Than Women
1. A guitar has a volume knob.
2. If you break a guitar's G-string, it only costs $.79 for a new one.
3. You can make a guitar scream as loud as you want it to.
4. You can unplug a guitar.
5. You can finger for hours without it complaining it wants more.
6. Other people can play your guitar without it getting upset.
7. You can finger a guitar in public and get applause, not arrested.
8. You can have a guitar in any color you want and no one will care.
9. You can make your guitar as tight as you want it just by turning a
peg.
10. If your guitar makes sounds you don't like, you can return it.
11. You can use four fingers at a time on a guitar.
12. If your guitar strings are too heavy, you can get a lighter set.
13. You can have a guitar professionally adjusted to YOUR liking.
14. If you scratch a guitar's back, it's unintentional, not required.
15. You can go to a guitar shop and play all the quitars you want for
free.
16. It's good to have a guitar that's stretched out.
17. You can take lessons on how to play a guitar without feeling
embarrassed.
18. You can rent a guitar without worrying about who rented it before
you.
19. You can play the guitar with your bare fingers and no protective
coating.
20. You can get rich playing a guitar.
21. A guitar doesn't take half of everything you own when you sell it.
22. You can have a guitar all month long.
23. A guitar doesn't care how many other guitars you own.
Why Women Are Better Than Guitars
1. Women are more fun when the power goes out.
2. You can't get your guitar wet.
3. Ever try to screw a guitar?
4. The input to a guitar in only 1/4" (ouch).
5. A guitar can't be begged to be played.
6. It's no fun to tie your guitar to a bed and spray whipped cream on
it.
7. When playing a guitar, you can use your teeth, but not your tongue.
8. Guitars aren't very aggresive.
9. A guitar won't play you back.
10. You need TWO hands to make a guitar scream.
11. A guitar won't scratch YOUR back.
12. A guitar won't drive you home if you're too drunk.
13. A guitar doesn't care who plays it.
14. You can't play 2 guitars at once.
15. A guitar can't fall in love with you.
16. Guitar lessons aren't free and aren't as much fun.
17. It's a lot more fun to stretch out a woman than guitar strings.
18. If you really DO want little guitars, you have to buy them.
19. You can't marry a rich guitar.
20. Guitars don't taste very good.
21. Even a good guitar won't usually last a whole lifetime.
22. A guitar won't give you head.
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1053208 *Comedy* 10:48 05-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Jedd (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: Phoen
Subj: if only the rules could be re-written . . .
IF MEN WERE TO REWRITE THE RULES
Rule # 1
Anything we said six or eight months ago is
inadmissible in an argument. All comments become
null and void after seven days.
Rule # 2
If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera
guys.
Rule # 3
If we say something that can be interpreted in two
ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry,
we meant the other way.
Rule # 4
It is in neither your best interest or ours to
make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
Rule # 5
Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how
can we know how pretty you are?
Rule # 6
Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to
come out.
Rule # 7
You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done - not both.
Rule # 8
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 9
Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and
neither do we.
Rule # 10
Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs
stared at.
Rule # 11
When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing
onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit"
is not necessary.
Rule # 12
Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than
deceived.
Jedd.
Public Msg #1054236 *Comedy* 18:37 09-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Spinach (1 Reply) (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: Angeldust
Subj: Joke!
A panda is just minding his own business, hangin' round on a road,
(as they do) when he is approached by a prostitute who asks him, "Heya.
How would you like to come back to my place?" The panda thinks to
himself for a bit, and then replies, "Yeah, okay."
They arrive at her apartment, and she asks the panda, "So.. would you
like some tea and scones with me?" to which he replies, "Uhm... okay."
They eat their tea and scones (as you do), and she asks, "So, would you
like to come up and see my room?" to which the panda thinks to himself
for a bit, and then replies, "Yeah sure.. why not?
So they go upstairs, and one thing leads to another, and they end up
having alot of raunchy and riotous sex. After this, they proceed
downstairs, and the panda says "Well, thanks for that. I might be off
now," to which the prostitute says, "Hey hey hey.. wait up a second.
Aren't you forgetting something?"
The panda says, "Wot?"
So the prostitute grabs her handy dictionary, finds the page she was
looking for, and hands it to the panda, at which the panda begins to
read: "Prostitute - someone whom one pays in exchange for sexual deeds."
The panda, however, flicks through to another page in the dictionary
which he then hands back to the prostitute before departing, leaving her
to read, "Panda - eats roots and leaves."
Spin
Public Msg #1054462 *Comedy* 14:50 10-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Edison (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Car insurance claims....
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later
found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The direct cause of the accident was a little guy in a small
car with a big mouth.
Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a
tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving me warning of
its intentions.
I thought my windows was down, but I found it was up when I
put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
The truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a couple of
times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my
mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In an attempt to kill a fly I hit a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way
home. As I reached the intersection a hedge sprang up,
obscuring my view and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years now when I fell asleep at the
wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear-end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared
where no stop sign had ever been before. I was unable to stop
in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I hit a
pedestrian.
An invisible car came from nowhere, struck my car and
vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my
hat I found that I had fractured my skull.
I was sure the old fellow would not make it to the other side
of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran
over him.
I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced
off the roof of my car.
Public Msg #1055599 *Comedy* 00:29 14-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Edison (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: Nickz
Subj: Recent Science experiment
This should be in /Science, everyone knows, but /comedy'll have to do
for now 8-)
True story!
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and
discharging firearms from the rear deck of a home owned by Irving
Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering
by,
but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated
35 shots the group fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter
drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels' deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can
of gasoline and poured some down the pipe, intending to smoke the animal
out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel, Michaels
emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to ignite
it
again, to no avail. Not one to admit defeat by wildlife, the determined
Mr. Michaels proceeded to slide feet-first approximately 15 feet down
the
sloping pipe to toss the match.
The subsequent rapidly expanding fireball propelled Mr. Michaels
back the way he had come, though at a much higher rate of speed. He
exited the angled pipe "like a Polaris missile leaves a submarine,"
according to witness Joseph McFadden, 31. Mr. Michaels was launched
directly over his own home, right over the heads of his astonished
friends, onto his front lawn. In all, he traveled over 200 feet through
the air.
"There was a Doppler Effect to his scream as he flew over us,"
McFadden reported, "Followed by a loud thud." Amazingly, he suffered
only
minor injuries.
"It was actually pretty cool," Michaels said, "Like when they
shoot someone out of a cannon at the circus. I'd do it again if I was
sure I wouldn't get hurt." There still is no word about the raccoon.
Public Msg #1055603 *Comedy* 00:43 14-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Edison (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: /science students
~~ You can learn a lot in school! ~~
The following beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned
from students' essays, exams, and class room discussions.
(Naturally this should be in /science)
* One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500
feet in one second.
* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
* You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you
came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
* When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed
with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed
with explosions.
* When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.
* While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the
sun, it is really only centrificating.
* Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to
change back into a sun in the daytime.
* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it
wants to go.
* Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred
to be oil.
* Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know
they're there.
* Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I
have never been able to make out the numbers.
* We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation
gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
* H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
* Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do
it, and that is the important thing.
* In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
* Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will
kill the strongest man.
* Isotherms & isobars are even more important than their names sound.
* It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have
to live other places.
Public Msg #1056048 *Comedy* 23:47 15-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Edison (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: Tech.def
Technical definitions of some common terms, as used by technicians..
This file has strong language....
Public Msg #1056057 *Comedy* 00:08 16-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Edison (Awarded 4000 Credits)
To: Nickz
FILE: Abbot
The famous abbot and costello 'who's on 1st routine!'
Public Msg #1057352 *Comedy* 09:06 21-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Dishes
Dishes
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great
price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear
vaseline
over the spot where the seal should be.
Anyway, his girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her
parents. He drives his new bike to her house, where she is outside
waiting for
him. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word." She
tells
him, "Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven't
done
any since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes
are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word.
So
steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her
on the
table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a
little
flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he
sits back
down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a
repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling,
and her
mother is a little happier. But still there is complete silence at the
table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps up and grabs his jar of
vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table
and
screams, "OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1057593 *Comedy* 12:32 22-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: An octopus :)
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on
a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented
octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears
everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So
he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the
octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The
octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So
the
man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays
the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $50. Then
a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus
fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?"
The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to fuck it
as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1057598 *Comedy* 12:34 22-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Cows
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his
4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole
event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start
explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let
him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said,
"Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf
going when he hit that cow?"
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1057602 *Comedy* 12:48 22-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Pyscho (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: termites
A termite walks into a pub and says " Wheres the bartender??? "
Pys!(:
Public Msg #1059773 *Comedy* 09:21 28-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: !?!
The yobbo's Guide to Computer Lingo
Log On:
Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off:
Don't add wood.
Monitor:
Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download:
Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz:
When yer not carefull downloadin' (watch th' toes!)
Floppy Disk:
Whacha get from pilin' too much firewood.
RAM:
The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive:
Gettin' home in mud season.
Prompt:
What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows:
What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen:
What you need for black fly season.
Byte:
What black flies do.
Chip:
Whatcha get when you chop wood.
Micro Chip:
What's left when you've picked up the chips.
Infrared:
Where the left-over's go when Fred's around.
Modem:
What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix:
John Matrix's wife.
Printer:
Someone who can't write in cursive.
Lap Top:
Where little kids feel comfy
Keyboard:
Where you hang your keys.
Software:
Them plastic eatin' utensils.
486:
One of them fancy imported cars.
Mouse:
What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame:
The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Port:
Fancy wine.
Enter:
C'mon in!
Digital:
Like those numbers that flip on your alarm clock.
Laser:
Someone less ambitious than you
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1059774 *Comedy* 09:32 28-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Excuses for being sick.
Bad Excuses
THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO
TEACHERS
IN THE ALBURQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS
1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
gramps.
3. Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.
4. Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
5. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
6. Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
7. Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
8. My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
Please
execute him.
9. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was
hit
in the growing part.
10. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent
this
weekend with the Marines.
11. Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off
a
tree and misplaced her hip.
12. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
13. Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going
around, her father even got hot last night.
14. Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.
15. George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
16. Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
17. Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her
shot.
18. Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.
19. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had
diah(*crossed
out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the shits.
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1060003 *Comedy* 09:32 29-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Kangeroo's :)
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.
Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten-
foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around
the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.
When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next
enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll
go?"
The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody
locks the gate at night!"
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1060123 *Comedy* 01:16 30-MAR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Diablo (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: No, really, it's a joke.
A man walks up to a park bench and is about to sit down when he notices
a dog nearby, and asks the man on the seat beside him "Excuse me, does
your dog bite?"
"No, he doesn't" replied the man.
The relieved man then sat down, but was soon horrified when the dog that
was nearby had come up to him, and promptly started biting his ankle.
He then screamed at the man seated next to him "I thought you said your
dog didn't bite, you bastard!" to which the man replied: "That's not my
dog".
Public Msg #1061136 *Comedy* 23:16 01-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Edison (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Crysta
Subj: Can you help me with these questions?
Reply to #1061015
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why does sour cream have an expiration date?
Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?
Why is the alphabet in alphabetical order ?
If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Who's bigger? Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger's baby! Mr. Bigger's
baby because he is a little bigger!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be
twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's
not adoor?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the
other trees make fun of it?
Public Msg #1062041 *Comedy* 18:03 04-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 750 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: School, again :)
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A First Grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs.
She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb,
and had them come up with the rest.
The foloowing was the results...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.
Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.
Strike While The... Bug Is Close.
It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.
Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.
You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.
No News Is... Impossible.
A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.
You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.
If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.
Love All, Trust.. Me
The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.
An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.
Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.
Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!
A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.
Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.
Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.
Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have
To Blow Your Nose.
None Are So Blind As... Helen Keller.
Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.
If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.
You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.
When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.
There Is No Fool Like... Uncle Eddie.
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1062222 *Comedy* 16:56 05-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Is bill Gates the Devil?
Subject: Bill Gates and the number of the Beast (666)
The real name of "the" Bill Gates is William Henry Gates
III. Nowadays he is known as Bill Gates (III), where "III
means the order of third (3rd.)
By converting the letters of his current name to the ASCII-
values and adding his (III), you get the following:
B 66
I 73
L 76
L 76
G 71
A 65
T 84
E 69
S 83
I 1
I 1
I 1
--------------
666 !!!
Some might ask, "How did Bill Gates get so powerful?"
Coincidence? Or just the beginning of mankind's ultimate and
total enslavement???
Before you decide, consider the following:
M S - D O S 6 . 2 1
77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49 = 666
W I N D O W S 9 5
87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+53+1 = 666
Coincidence? You decide...
I don't know if this actully works, i just found it on the internet :)
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1062223 *Comedy* 16:57 05-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Simple, but funny :)
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and
removed
a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how
you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his
limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence
the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or
not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's
assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and
walked out.
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1063865 *Comedy* 15:08 11-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 567 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Telephone Poles?!?
Fw by Mabster
A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are
recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of
five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so
they give them a test.
The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone
pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is
able to hammer it in first, will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go
in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking
out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.
"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the
other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed
is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the
Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as
if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss
incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole
in halfway!!"
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1065088 *Comedy* 15:26 15-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 900 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Watches.
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously
heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks,
"Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.
"It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out!" - and
he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in
the world, but for the 86 largest metropolis. He hits a few buttons
and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven
'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the
same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put
in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high
quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck
dumb with admiration. "That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few
more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York
City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location
by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake
says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs",
says the inventor.
"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is
also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a
sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager
with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity
for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I
only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready -"
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not -"
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a check
book. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into
materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make
another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six
months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and
waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right
here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels
off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts
happily away. "Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger,
who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd
been trying to wrestle through the bus station.
"Don't forget your batteries."
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1065701 *Comedy* 15:08 11-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 5567 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Telephone Poles?!?
Copy by Spychoo, Fw by Mabster
A phone company puts an ad in the paper that they are
recruiting workers.
The next day, two groups of workers show up- a crew of
five Italian men and a crew of five blonde women.
The company cannot decide who to give the job to, so
they give them a test.
The company boss says, "Each crew will receive a telephone
pole that they must install into the ground. Whoever is
able to hammer it in first, will get the job."
Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they go
in the company trucks with the long telephone poles sticking
out the back.
A few hours pass, and finally, at 5:00, the Italian crew returns.
"YAY!!" they shout. "We came back first, we get the job!!"
"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait until the
other crew comes back to make sure that the reason they're delayed
is not because of traffic, or that the truck broke down."
"Fine, no problem," say the men.
An hour passes, two hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 12:00, the
Blonde crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing hard, as
if they had just gone through harsh labor.
"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the boss
incredulously.
"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the job?"
"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS ago!"
"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They only put the pole
in halfway!!"
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1066994 *Comedy* 11:13 21-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: ....another joke! :)
A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut.
As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.
"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a
crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to
Rome! So how ya getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," the man replies.
"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are
old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late!
So where you staying in Rome?"
The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."
"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city!
The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're
overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"
The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope
to see the Pope."
"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck
on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe
says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA
gave you the worst flight of your life!"
"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we
on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they
bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful,
and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on
me hand and foot!"
"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I
described."
"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential
suite for no extra charge!"
"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"
"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a
Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope
likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so
kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would
personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope
walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he
spoke a few words to me."
Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"
"Oh, not much really. Just "Where'd you get that awful haircut?"
sorry about the length...
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1069797 *Comedy* 20:02 30-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Carry (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Put the Blame on Name
Copy by Carry
This is sort of an extract from a magazine called New Scientist, it's
about names and how it affects what we end up doing as a job, what we
write about etc. Anyway here are some funny and true examples.
Papers written -
"Effects of tactile stimulation" by Finger
"Sequelae of orgasm in male guinea pigs" by Mr and Mrs Grunt
"Animal behaviour" by Lionel Tiger and Robin Fox
"Responses to authoritarian discipline" by Stern and Cope
"Intra-uterine contraception devices" by Gamble
"Juvenile delinquency" by Lively and Reckless
"Effects of parental pressure on school performance" by Mumpower
(Single names are surnames as you do in papers)
Grant Warmbath is a manager of a hotel.
David Krashes is an American expert in metallurgical forensic science
and failure analysis.
J. Lust is a sex counsellor.
William Tranquilli wrote a paper on sedation and anaesthesia.
Laura Slaughter specialises in impulsive agression at the Uni of Texas.
Mr Fawcett is a London Urologist.
Mr Sentance is an English teacher in Hertford shire.
Miss Beat, Mr Meldrum and Miss Sharp are music teachers.
Britain's Meteorological Office employs a Flood, Frost, Thundercliffe
and a Weatherall.
And the Bonus Wind Turbine Unit in Newtown, Wales, employs Philip
Breeze.
Dominique Dropsy was a goalkeeper for Bordeaux and France.
Rachalle Splatt is a well-known drag-racing driver
and the head of the Sydney Casino is Neil Gamble.
There are lots more in the article, so yeah, I thought they were funny.
Public Msg #1070343 *Comedy* 14:21 29-APR-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Jedd (Awarded 6500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: The problem with [them] is ...
Copy by Spychoo
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere
where the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle
of nowhere:
The 1 Italian man killed the other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a menage a trois".
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule for when they
alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
English woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look at
the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and the
true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes
are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture,
because it all gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of
coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't getting
any...
Jedd.
Public Msg #1071546 *Comedy* 12:59 06-MAY-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Pleae Explain!
"Joan" was becoming very frustrated with her husband's
insistence that they always have sex in the dark. Hoping
to free her husband from his inhibitions, during one passionate
evening, she flipped on the light, only to discover a cucumber
in his hand.
"Is this what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!"
"Honey! Let me explain!"
"Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent SOB!"
"Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted,
"Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!"
.: Kezza :. METAL UP YOUR ARSE
Public Msg #1072253 *Comedy* 01:02 08-MAY-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Mills (1 Reply) (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Wanking jokes! :)
An Englishman who just moved to Australia is playing in his first game
for his new football club when one of his fellow players jogs over with
a message from the bench.
"Hey! The coach says he's gonna pull you off at half-time," says the
team-mate.
"Wow!" replied the surprised Pom. "Back home we just get oranges!"
A wife and husband were discussing sex. "We need to think up a word
for it so when we talk about it in front of the kids, they won't catch
on," said the wife.
They both decided they would refer to it as "doing the washing".
A couple of days later, the wife got incredibly horny.
"Honey, let's do the washing," she cooed. "Erm, actually," replied the
husband, "I only had a small load, and i've already done it by hand."
Two old ladies are at the cinema.
First old lady: "The man next to me is masturbating."
Second old lady: "Oh, just ignore him."
First old lady: "I can't! He's using MY hand!"
A doctor was taking a medical student for a tour around the hospital.
In one of the rooms they came across a patient who was jerking himself
off.
"Why is he masturbating?" the medical student asked.
"He's got a semen build-up," the doctor told him. "His body produces
semen at a very fast rate and if he doesn't masturbate, his testicles
will explode."
A little taken aback, the medical student resumed his tour with the
doctor. Later on, they came across a patient who was getting a head job
from a nurse.
"What's going on here?" asked the shocked student.
"He's also got a semen build-up, but he's in MBF."
:)
Amoolya!
Public Msg #1072664 *Comedy* 15:43 09-MAY-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: An Obsessive Golfer!
A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love. They were discussing
how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were
over.
"It's only fair to warn you Jody." he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live,
eat, sleep and breathe golf." "Well, since you're being honest, so
will I." Jody said. "I'm a hooker." "I see." he said. Then brightening,
he smiled. "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists
straight when you hit the ball."
.: Kezza :.
Public Msg #1076729 *Comedy* 15:21 23-MAY-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Cab Drivers.
A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter
and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get
to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab
waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He
promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his
credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc.
but to no avail.
The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have ...
fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was
forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch
his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to
regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won
big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the
casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see
out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who
had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy
pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a
ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And
how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?"
"What?!!! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and
asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his
old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for
a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "OK" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the
businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
.: Kezza :.
Public Msg #1134929 *Comedy* 20:50 30-DEC-98 *EXEMPT*
From: Mouse (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Why is it so?????
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they have to go back to?
If all the world is a stage, then where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the alphabet in that order?
If the black box is never damaged during a plane crash, then why isn't
the rest of the plane made of the stuff?
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest have to as well?
Why is there a use-by date on sour cream?
Who's cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an 's' in it?
Is it because light travels faster than sound, that some people appear
bright until you hear them speak?
Why are they called buildings when they're already finished, shouldn't
they be called built?
Why do banks charge you an insufficient funds fee on money they already
know you don't have?
Mouse.
Public Msg #1135719 *Comedy* 13:50 03-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Viagra...
They've made a female version of Viagra.
It's called Niagra.
Keeps women wet for up to a week.
Bastard Sheep.
Public Msg #1137070 *Comedy* 10:01 08-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Jaseo (Awarded 700 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Howzat?!
English cricket selectors have just announced that Alex Stewart
will be sacked as the team captain. He will be replaced by Paula
Yates on the basis that she's the only person in England who's
managed to screw an aussie, get favourable publicity and return
to the mother country with the ashes.
Ashes jokes....
Q. Who is the best English batsman on the current tour?
A. Ian Botham
Q. What is the height of optimism?
A. An England batsman putting on sunscreen.
Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?
A. An all-rounder.
Q. What is the main function of the England coach?
A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground.
Q. Why is Darren Gough the unluckiest bowler on tour?
A. Because he was born in England.
Q. What's the English version of a hat-trick?
A. Three runs in three balls.
Q. Why don't English fielders need pre-tour travel injections?
A. Because they never catch anything.
Q. What the English version of lbw?
A. Lost, beaten, walloped.
Q. What do you call an Englishman with 100 runs against his name?
A. A bowler.
Public Msg #1137504 *Comedy* 16:05 09-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Odo (1 Reply) (Awarded 400 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Microsoft Tech Support.
From FEEDBACK, NewScientist, 11 Jan 1997:
"The Internet is full of stories about Bill Gates and Microsoft which
are presented as "true" but which are merely the product of spiteful
imaginations. Here, however, is a rather charming one which makes no
pretence to authenticity.
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle last month when an
electrical fault disabled all its navigation and communications
equipment. Because of the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine
the helicopter's postion and course to steer to the airport. But he
could see a tall building, so he flew towards it, circled, drew a
handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window.
The sign said "Where am I?" in large letters. People in the tall
building quickly responded. They drew a large sign and held it up in a
window. It said "You are in a helicopter."
The pilot smiled,waved, looked at his map, determined the course to
Seattle airport, and landed safely.
Once they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the "You
are in a helicopter" sign helped him determine their position. The pilot
replied: "I knew that it had to be the Microsoft building because, like
their helplines, online help system and support manuals, they gave me a
technically correct but completely useless answer"."
:-)
Public Msg #1137505 *Comedy* 16:09 09-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Odo (Awarded 700 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Software Development vs. Drug Dealing.
Drug Dealers and Software Developers: coincidence?
--------------------------- ---------------------------
Drug dealers Software developers
--------------------------- ---------------------------
Refer to their clients Refer to their clients
as "users". as "users".
"The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..."
Have important South-East Have important South-East
Asian connections Asian connections
to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code).
Strange jargon: Strange jargon:
"Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM,"
"Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN".
Realize that there's Realize that there's
tons of cash in the tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old
market. market.
Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by
industry's producing industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines.
Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture
capitalists.
Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D.
unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said.
Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.
An oldie...yes...but a goodie :-)
John
Public Msg #1139422 *Comedy* 15:06 14-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Odo (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Customer Support
Actual dialog of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee.
Supposedly, the employee was fired for this exchange:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away.",
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have
a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power
cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
<shuffling sounds>>
"Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into
the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two
cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other
cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of
your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's
dark."
"Dark?
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in
from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you
still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it
was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer.
Public Msg #1141757 *Comedy* 22:09 20-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Chucky (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Comedy.
A guy is walking down the street when he see's a large wall with
graffiti on it, which said "GOD HATES HOMOS" but underneath, someone
wrote "But he likes tabouli".
:)
Public Msg #1141759 *Comedy* 22:14 20-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Chucky (Awarded 600 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Comedy.
A man is sent to hell, and he gets down there, and see's all this fire
and brimstone, and is thinking to himself "I don't want to be here..
look at this place..", he starts walking around the place with a long
face, and a Demon passes him and says "Why the long face?" and the man
replies with "Look at this place.. all this fire and brimstone, I don't
want to be here!" and the demon says "Would you like a drink?" the man
replies "You drink down here?" and the demon replies, "Hell yeah, we
like a good drink. On Mondays, we drink beer and spirits until we can
drink no more!" and the man replies "Wow, that's good!". The demon goes
on to say "Do you like to smoke?" and the man replies "a little bit",
and the demon goes "Well, On Tuesday we smoke all we can! a few light
drugs like marijuana here and there, and we smoke till we can smoke no
more! Do you like to gamble?" the man says "Sort of.." and the demon
says "Well on Wednesdays we have Horse races, Grey hounds, roulette, the
works! Are you into drugs?" and the man says "I've done some before.."
and the demon replies "Well, On Thursdays we have some Heroin, XTC, we
pop a few more pills here and there, and some coke.. Are you gay?" and
the man says firmly "No, I'm not!" and the Demon replies "Well, you're
going to hate Fridays.."
:)
Public Msg #1143064 *Comedy* 22:13 24-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Johnz (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Court Case
The judge turns to Mikey Mouse and says, "So let's see if I have this
right. You say that Minnie is going crazy??"
Mickey replies, "No, I said she was fuckin' Goofy" :-) :-)
¯ JohnZ ®
Public Msg #1143290 *Comedy* 16:58 25-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Memnoch (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Gotten from a guy at work
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were
five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how
many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny,"cause the rest would
fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I
like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a
question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream
cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone,
and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married? "Well,"
said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"
Public Msg #1143291 *Comedy* 16:58 25-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Memnoch (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: more
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the
night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and
thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad
can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsy ride!
Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not
asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not
to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going
to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny
cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and
the milkman usually get bucked off!"
Public Msg #1143326 *Comedy* 20:46 25-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Venus (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: The very first joke the DAAS ever did..
Do wake up in the morning feeling sleepy and grumpy??
You must be Snow White.
Out now on video.
+ Paint Pastel Princess +
Public Msg #1144088 *Comedy* 10:35 28-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Thor (Awarded 100 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Joke
A kid sees a chicken lying on its back with its legs in the air and asks
his dad what's rong. His dad replies "It's like that so that god can
come down and pick him up".
One day, dad comes home from work and the kid says, "dad! dad! We nearly
lost mum. She was lying on her back with her legs in the air, sayin 'god!
i'm coming! i'm coming!', but luckily Uncle Bob was there to hold her
down".
Public Msg #1144627 *Comedy* 12:01 30-JAN-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Memnoch (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Amish Paradise
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked
his father, "What is this, Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in
a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.
They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse
direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old
woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his son, "Go get your mother."
Public Msg #1145105 *Comedy* 12:31 01-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Pyscho
Subj: One I heard at work...
Three kids were talking about their parents, and how fast they
were. The first kid stood up and said,
"My dad's so fast, he can flick the light switch off, and be in bed
before the light even goes off!"
To which the second kid replied, "Yeah, well my dad's so fast, he
can flick the light switch off, then flush the toilet and be in bed
before the light goes off!"
The third kid didn't seem impressed at all. Without even raising
an eyebrow, he just turned to the other two kids and said "My dad's a
council worker. He can knock off at 4, and be home by 2."
Bastard sheep. 908
Public Msg #1146969 *Comedy* 18:33 06-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Oracle (Awarded 2500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Paddy & Sean
You have to read this in an Irish accent. :) Heh. :)
PAddy and Sean were driving one night.
Sean turned to Paddy and said .. "Paddy! I doont think me indicators
workin'! Next time we turn a corner, just lean over and check if its
working or not!"
"Not a problem" says Paddy.
So, they are driving, and lo & Behold, they come to a corner.
"Lean over the bonnet for me Paddy! And tell me if its working!"
So, Paddy leans over.
"Turn it on Sean!"
So, Sean turns on the indicator.
"Is it workin' Paddy?"
"Aye!"
"Noo!"
"Aye!"
"Noo!"
heh. :)
Public Msg #1147028 *Comedy* 18:24 06-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mystery (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: 2008 Olympics
Fw by Scarlet
2008 OLYMPICS
Mt. Druitt is to make a bid for the 2008 Olympic Games.Ê In order to
increase the likelihood that the successful bidders will win at least
some medals, the competition has been modified somewhat. However, fierce
competition is expected from rival areas such as Bankstown, Villawood,
Cabramatta, Blacktown, Rooty Hill etc.
OPENING CEREMONY
The Olympic Flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of
the City wearing the traditional flannelette shirt, jeans and no shoes
with his defacto wearing the traditional bike pants and short top with
oversized stomach. The opening ceremony will be sponsored by Winfield
Cigarettes and Victoria Bitter.
THE EVENTS
100 meters Sprint
Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and a Microwave (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a Police Dog will be
released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.
100 meter Hurdles
As above but with added obstacles, car bonnets, hedges, gardens, fences,
walls, train etc.
Hammer Throw
Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most
grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed.
Boxing
Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and
will take place on a Friday Night. The husband will be given 15
schooners of VB at the Mt. Druitt Hotel followed by a quick peek in a
lap dancing joint, Men's Gallery, while the wife will be told not to
make him any dinner when he gets home. She will be wearing Bike pants,
short top and thongs.
Cycling Time Trials
The competitor will attend the City Skateboard Area where they will
obtain a bicycle stolen from a Mummies Boy (preferably from Newington
College or Knox Grammar). They will then be racing against the clock.Ê
Bonus points will be awarded should a helmet be obtained at the time of
taking the bike.
Modern Pentathlon
Amended to include Robbery with Violence, Burglary, Unlawful Use of a
Motor Vehicle, Arson, Willful Exposure.
Men's 50km Walk
Unfortunately this will have to be canceled as organisers cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Mt. Druitt.
Gymnastics
The Beam will be replaced by the strip of gutter outside the Mt. Druitt
Hotel. The event will commence at Closing time - we expect some
extremely difficult dismounts to be performed on this apparatus.Ê The
floor routine will be conducted in the padded cell of the Mt. Druitt
Watchhouse.
CLOSING CEREMONY
Entertainment will include the Local Torres Straight Islander Dancing
Group accompanied by a local AC/DC cover band. The Olympic Flame will be
extinguished by local representatives by urinating from the base of the
spire in a cascading effect. The stadium will then be boarded up before
local athletes break in to it and remove all the copper piping and air
conditioners.
Thanx Fenix you big sexy beast you.
Public Msg #1147044 *Comedy* 01:47 07-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Chucky (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Blonde One(s) :)
A Blonde lady walks into a shoe shop and begins to look around. She
spots a pair of Alligator skinned shoes and the manager comes upto her
and says "May I help you?" and the blonde says "Yes, I'd like to buy
these alligator shoes. How much are they?" "$200" replied the manager.
"$200!? Where do you think I can get that kind of money from?" and the
manager replies with "Well, when you get the money come back and buy
them." The blonde says "Bugger you, I'm going to go get my own."
As the manager hops on his fanpowered boat through the swampy water he
see's the blonde lady standing in waist deep swamp with a shotgun. The
manager gets closer and see's that there's 5 or so dead alligator's
lieing on the bank. The manager yells out "Hey! What are you doing?!?"
and the blonde replies "I'm looking for Alligator shoes! But so far none
of them have been wearing any!"
:)
What does a blonde and train tracks have in common?
They've both been laid all over the Country.
:)
What does a blonde and a screen door have in commin?
The more you bang them, the looser they get.
Chuck*
Public Msg #1147070 *Comedy* 11:16 07-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Johnz (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Shit Joke :-)
This guy's walking around with two fingers stuck up his arse. His mate
goes, "What the hell are you doing?". The guy goes, "I'm trying to make
myself sick!" The mate goes, "But that's not going to make you sick!"
and the guy goes, "It is when I stick them in my mouth!"
¯ JohnZ ®
Public Msg #1147891 *Comedy* 02:21 10-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Nickz (1 Reply) (Awarded 600 Credits)
To: Crysta
Subj: Cornie corner
Reply to #1147712
> Ho hum! I'm back with corn corner!~
> Why did humpty dumpty die?
>
> Shell shock.
>
> Why can't Lisa talk english?
>
> She's chinese
>
> Why did Jack eat roses?
>
> Cos they're Cadbury's chocolates.
Why did Eddie keep falling off the horse?
Because Eddie was a fish :)
...NickZ <just thought I'd add to "corn corner" :)>
Public Msg #1148222 *Comedy* 11:07 11-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Bliss (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Doctors...
Just got this in Email!
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was
overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to
reassure
him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep
with
one of your patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality,
"Howard. You're a veterinarian."
Girlie!
Public Msg #1148764 *Comedy* 23:47 12-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mystery (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: You dont know Jack Schitt
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't
know Jack Schitt."
After reading this, you will be able to handle this situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt
Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holly, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva
and Bull Schitt.
Against his parents strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt,
a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe
divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr. Scherlock and because her kids were
living with them, decided to keep her previous name also. She became
known as Noe Schitt Scherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son - Chick
Noe Schitt (Chick N. Schitt for short). Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt
were inseparable throughout childhood, and consequently married the
Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are
Dawg, Byrd and Horse Schitt.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned with his new Italin bride, Pisa Schitt.
Now, when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct
them and ask if they are related to any of the above.
Haw Haw.
Public Msg #1149663 *Comedy* 23:19 15-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Pyscho (Awarded 700 Credits)
To: Akuma
Subj: woof
A blind man had been at the bar drinking all afternoon with his
faithful Labrador at his feet. Finally the dog got up, cocked its leg,
and pissed on the blind mans trousers.
The man felt the warmth on his leg and began slapping his pockets until
he produced a dog biscuit and lowered it to the dog.
A chap who observed all this said " Excuse me mate , I wouldn't reward
that dog.e just pissed on your leg"
"I know I know" replied the blind man." When I find which end his head
is, I am going to sink my boot into his knackers!"
pys!(:
Public Msg #1149670 *Comedy* 00:03 16-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Slashr (Awarded 4000 Credits)
To: Pyscho
FILE: limerick
Reply to #1149664
Here's a whole bunch of limericks. :)
/r
Public Msg #1149733 *Comedy* 11:51 16-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Pyscho (Awarded 800 Credits)
To: Nickz
Subj: Brakes
The truck driver couldn't believe his eyes. When he rounded the bend
there, at the bottom of the hill, was a couple making love in the muddle
of the road.
He blew the horn. They didn't stop screwing.
Thetruck finally screeched to a halt barely a hair's breadth from the
humping couple.
The driver got out and demanded an explanation"What the bloody hell is
going on?"
When the young man recovered he stood up. " I was coming. She was
coming, You were coming," he said, " and you were the only that had
brakes.
pys!(:
Public Msg #1149734 *Comedy* 11:55 16-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Pyscho (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Pringle
Subj: huge
Farmer brown lost control of his jalopy on the bend and ended up in the
river. He managed to climb on top of the car to await rescue.
He heard one car stop. It was his neighbours, Mr and Mrs Jones. Then a
second car arrived with more neighbours, Mr and Mrs Ball.
As Bill Jones pulled him to safety Farmer Brown said: " I'm glad you got
here first Bill. I'd hate to be pulled out by the Balls."
pys!(:
Public Msg #1149742 *Comedy* 12:11 16-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Pyscho (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: Bandito
Subj: gleek
Lee pung used to eat regularly at a Greek restaurant and always ordered
fried rice as a side dish. Each night Con thr Greek used to fall about
laughing when Lee ordered his " flied lice."
Sometimes Con woulf have two or three of his friends gather around to
hear Lee say "flied lice'.
Lee got sick and tired of the taunting and took a month off for an
intensified course in Oxford English.
When he returned he ordered, loud and clear, " and a large serve of
fried rice."
"What did you say?" said a very surprised Con.
"I said fried rice, you fluckin' Gleek."
pys!(:
Public Msg #1151509 *Comedy* 10:02 22-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Badboy (1 Reply) (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Microsoft Car
The following was taken from the "Magazine for Subaru All-Wheel Drivers"
- Symmetry
(It has been edited slightly)
Following Bill Gates recent, ahem, problems with the US Justice
Department, the number of Microsoft jokes circulating on the internet
has increased once more. The buzz on the net was that Bill Gates
compared the computer industry with the auto industry and said that "If
GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would
all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." According to
the rumour GM issued a press release stating: If GM had developed
technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the
following characteristics:
1) For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would hav to buy
a new car
3) Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
4) Occasionally executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would
have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car
95' or 'Car NT'. But then you would have to buy more seats.
6) Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5%
of the roads <chuckle>
7) The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all
be replaced by a single 'general car default' warning light.
8) The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before going off.
9) Occasionally for no reason your car would lock you out and refuse to
let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
10) GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want
them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a
target for investigation by the Justice Dept.
11) Everytime GM introduced a new model car, buyers would have to learn
how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in teh same manner as the old car.
12) You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.
badboy
Public Msg #1152133 *Comedy* 15:25 24-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Teehee.
Question: prove all odd numbers are prime.
Mathematician:
1 is prime , 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, .... 11 is
prime, so is 13 and therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are
prime. QeD.
Physicist:
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 .... 11 is
prime, 13 is prime, .... all odd numbers are prime, 9 is just
experimental error.
Engineer:
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is is a good
approximation, 11 is prime, 13 is prime, .... therefore, all odd
numbers are prime.
Programmer:
1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1
is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime ...
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Question: what is 2 + 2 ?
Engineer:
runs to the nearest vax .... comes back after a second or two
and blurts, "the answer is 4.000000000 E+0"
Mathematician:
ponders the question for a while and states with bravado, "the
answer is the summation as n goes from 0 to infinity of (3/4)
raised to the nth power"
Accountant:
looks around warily and whispers, "what do you want it to
be....?"
Bastard sheep. 908
Public Msg #1152136 *Comedy* 15:27 24-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: grades.txt
How universities work out grades for students.
Public Msg #1152143 *Comedy* 15:52 24-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 200 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: Light.txt
Lightbulb jokes.
Public Msg #1152147 *Comedy* 15:59 24-FEB-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Last one.
A license plate for a VW Bug:
FEATURE
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The top 6 reasons computers are female...
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory
for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative
as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not
going to tell you".
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then
puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least
fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite
radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the
herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
define myself to be on the outside!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"The Universe began many millions of years ago with a big bang....
No one knows what exactly caused this, but kids playing with
matches are suspected"
from "Science Made Stupid"
by Tom Weller,
Published by Houghton Mifflin company
Bastard sheep. 908
Public Msg #1154480 *Comedy* 12:01 04-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 2500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: The many uses of the word: f...
Attached. :)
Kezza
Public Msg #1154483 *Comedy* 12:05 04-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1300 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: Real courtroom exchanges.
Attached. :)
Kezza
Public Msg #1154485 *Comedy* 12:06 04-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1200 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: HEhe
A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is
hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's
collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our
cars."
"There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God.
God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together
in peace the rest of our days."
The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign
from God."
The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car
is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't
break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."
Then the rabbi hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes
a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes
the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the
priest.
The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police to join us."
Public Msg #1154489 *Comedy* 12:10 04-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Kezza (Awarded 1100 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Bake beans make you fart?
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with
the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and
since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small
cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off
any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings ofbaked beans. All the way
home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably
safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner
tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the
head of the table and made him promise not to peak.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as
his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She
again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went
to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He
shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe
as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin
and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised
his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and
smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real
blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled
and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and
keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for
the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin..
When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap
and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the
picture of innocence when his wife walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner
table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold
and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around
the table for his surprise birthday party.
Public Msg #1154693 *Comedy* 00:15 05-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Laitha (Awarded 600 Credits)
To: Kezza
Subj: ;)
Two whales, Bill and Ben, are swimming when Ben notices a
boat going past. He starts getting all upset, and Bill says
"Hey, whats wrong?"
Ben tells him "This is the boat and the men that harpooned
and killed my whole family!" ..
Bill comforts him and says "Hey I have an idea.. lets
swim underneath the boat, and blow through our blowholes so
the boat capsizes, and the sailors fall in the water!" Ben
agrees eagerly :)
So they do it, and the boat, as planned, capsizes, and the
sailors fall in the water. Ben goes "Thats great.. I feel so much
better now" and goes to swim off. Bill says "Hey! Don't go
yet! We've still got to eat them! They deserve to die!"
Ben turns around and says "Look. Let them drown. I don't
mind giving a blow job, but swallowing seamen is going too far!"
laif.
Public Msg #1154716 *Comedy* 01:06 05-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Lakemba
LAKEMBA BOYS HIGH SCHOOL
MATHS PROFICIENCY EXAM
1999
NAME____________________________________________
GANG_____________________
1. Mohammed has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out
of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many
drive by's can he attend before reloading?
2. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and if he sells an 'eight ball' to
Habib for $320 and 2 grams to Akhmed of $85 per gram, what is the
street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Quang is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 per trick,
how many tricks will each girl have to turn per day so Quang can
support his $800 a day crack habit?
4. Habil want to cut his half pound of herion to make 20% more
profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Chang gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Falcon, and $100
for a Commodore. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 Commodores, how
many Falcons will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for
the hit. If his common law wife Fatma is spending $100 per month,
how much money will be left when he gets out?
BONUS QUESTION : How many years will he get for offing
the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet, and the average
letter uses 8 square feet, how many letters can a Tagger spray
with 3 cans?
8. Hamil knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in his
gang. What percentage has Hamil knocked up?
9. The population of Lakemba is 86,000. The number of Police is 43.
What are the odds of getting away with a crime?
MikeZ.
Public Msg #1155738 *Comedy* 13:55 09-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Myst (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Laugh!
Mistaken Identity!
John and Joe were twins, ans as is most often the case with twins, were
alike in many ways, only the closest friends could tell them apart, John
was a married man. Jow was a bachleor, and one of his most cherished
posessions was a dilapidated boat. A strange coincedence occured the day
Johns wife died. Joes boat sank. A few days later a kindhearted old lady
met Joe, and mistaking him for John said
'I'm awfully sorry to hear of your misfortune, you must feel terrible'
Joe thinking she was referring to the loss of his boat replied 'I'm not
sorry, she was a rotten old thing from the start, her bottom was all
chewed up and she smelt like a dead fish. The first time I cut into her
she made water faster than anything I've seen. She had a terruble crack
in her bottom and a pretty bad hole in her front. Evertime I used her
the hole got bigger, but I got so that i could handle her alright,
although when anyone else handled her she leaked like hell. But what
really finished her was for men from the other side of town. they asked
me if they could hire her out. I agreed, but warned them as to what she
was like. They said it did not matter what condition she was in. Being
anxious to get going, they all tried to get into her at once. This was
too much for the old girl, she cracked right up the middle and her
bottom fell out'.
Joe could not understand why the old lady fainted ...
-
Myst!
-
Public Msg #1156861 *Comedy* 14:00 13-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Johnz (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: A longy but a goody
At TAFE there were four students Organic Chemistry. They did so well
on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, that each had an "A" so far
for the semester.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals,
they decided to go up to Queensland and party with some friends up
there. They had a great time! However, after all the hardy partying,
they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to TAFE until early
Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their teacher
after the final and explain why they missed it. They said that they
had gone away for the weekend to study together but, unfortunatley,
they had a flat tyre on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't
get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The teacher thought it over and then agreed they could make up the
final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They
studied that night and went in the next day at the time the teacher
Professor had told them.
He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test
booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem,
worth 5 points. It was something simple about free electrons. "Cool",
they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is
going to be easy". Each finished the problem and then turned the page.
On the second page was written...
For 95 points:
Which tyre?
¯ JohnZ ®
Public Msg #1157593 *Comedy* 19:31 16-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Oracle (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: How to shower like a man; Short version.
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them
i a pile on the floor.
2. Walk to the bathroom wearing a towell. If you see girlfriend/wife
along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror, and suck in your gut to
see if you have pecs. (No)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (No)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Dont bother to look for wash cloth. (You dont use/need one)
8. Wash your face.
9. Wash your armpits
10. Wash your penis and surrounding area.
11. Wash your ass.
12. Shampoo your hair. (Dont use conditioner)
13. Make a shampoo mowhawk.
14. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror with the mowhawk.
15. Pee.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Return to the bedroom wearing a towell. If you pass girlfriend/wife,
flash her.
LONG VERSION:
Replace #10 with: Masturbate using soap.
- Oracle
Public Msg #1157594 *Comedy* 19:31 16-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Lazer (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Nickz
Subj: vre slap. :)
There was an Italian guy, a lebo guy and a greek guy..
They've been the best of mates since like the age of 4..
Anyway, they all got married etc.. and decided they'd have their
honeymoons at the same place..
So they did.:)
Whilst on their honeymoons, their new wives all went off to the sauna
and the blokes got together, the italian guy comes out with..
"So, let's see who can cop the most amount of roots tongiht.."
"But how will we tell each other in the morning?" asks the greek..
"I know! By the amount of times we butter our bread in the morning?"
replied the lebo..
The next morning.. they're all at the breakfast table and the italian
takes a slice a bread.. and begins to butter.. 1..2..3..4..5..6 times!
The other two go.. phwoah..
Next up the lebo guy takes his bread and begins to butter..
1..2..3..4..5..6..7...8!! times.. the other two go... farrrrrrrk..
The greek gets his bread and butters his.. 1..2..3..4! times..
the other two go.. No way!?!?
But, before the other two can speak... he turns it over and butters it
another 4 times :)
Lazer
Public Msg #1160480 *Comedy* 11:35 26-MAR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Candy (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: :):):)
I don't know if this has ever been posted in /Comedy, but this is a joke
I heard at TAFE the other night. :)
Little Frankie and little Johnny both got busted for doing drugs, so
they went up before the magistrate.
Within the next 2 weeks they had to get as many people to stop taking
drugs as possible adn they would be let off. :)
2 weeks later, little Frankie and little Johnny both come back before
the Magistrate. Little Frankie was asked how many people he stopped from
doing drugs and he replied with '50 people sir'. The magistrate was
overwhelmed, and asked little Frankie how he did it. Little Frankie
replied 'I drew 2 circles, one big one and one little one. I told the
drug users that the little cirlce was the size of their brain while they
were on drugs, and the big cirlce is the size of it while they were off
drugs'. The Magistrate was pleased.
Little Johnnie was then also asked how many people he stopped from
taking drugs and he replied with '500 people sir'. The magistrate was
shocked and asked little Johnnie how he did this. Little Johnnie replied
with 'I used the 2 cirlce method aswell. I told them that the small
cirlce was the size off their arse hole before they went into jail, and
he large one was the size of their arse hole after they come out of
jail'. :):):):)
Well, it made me laugh. :)
Leah xoxo
Public Msg #1163059 *Comedy* 23:01 04-APR-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Memnoch (Awarded 200 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: hi
If this sort of gutter-trash comedy is your style, you might want to
wash up on
http://www.harhar.com/
the next time you surf on the polluted and half-foot sets of the
Internet.
Public Msg #1187848 *Comedy* 19:30 28-JUL-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Odo (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Shopping :)
A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog
food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes" he
replies. "Well where is the dog?" asks the cashier. "My dog is at home"
replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see
the dog. That is store policy", says the cashier. So with that the man
leaves the dog food and leaves the store.
Next day the man goes back to the same store, grabs what he needs and
goes to the same cashier. He places two cans of cat food on the counter.
"Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do", replies the man.
"Well where is your cat sir?" asks the cashier. "My cat is at home" says
the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I
can sell you cat food" says the cashier. So with that the man leaves the
store empty handed again.
The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same
cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the
cashier, "put your hand in here." So the cashier puts her hand in the
brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm" she says. "Yes, that is
right" says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
Public Msg #1188721 *Comedy* 19:20 01-AUG-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 3000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: intaddic.txt
You might be addicted to the internet if...
Woolly dolphin. 908
Public Msg #1188722 *Comedy* 19:22 01-AUG-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: itsup.txt
29 Truism's of IT Support
Woolly dolphin. 908
Public Msg #1191161 *Comedy* 23:15 12-AUG-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 4000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Oi!
What do you get if you cross a skinhead with a Mormon?
Someone who knocks on your door and tells *you* to fuck off!
MikeZ :)
Public Msg #1192093 *Comedy* 22:41 18-AUG-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Women's Contract
I, the undersigned, agree that:
1. In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after
you've drunkenly rolled on top of me, as is entirely normal and in
accordance with the natural order of things, and pumped away for
two minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall
politely fake one. It'll be a really good act too, with me saying
stuff like "Oh, you're so good, you're the best, who's your Daddy"
and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a
compass.
2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like
those ones taken at your auntie's wedding where you've got a velvet
bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no comment. Ever.
Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are all "funny".
3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is
to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or
your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific
equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I
wasn't there. To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I
will prepare your favourite meal or, in the event of not being able
to cook, take you out for a few pints at my cost.
4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will
tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan
yak and that I have discovered, contrary to popular belief, that
size does matter.
5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will
not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face. Under no
circumstances will I attempt to start a conversation as you are
dropping off to sleep.
7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. Any
references to this hallowed appendage will be prefaced with
words such as "mighty", "huge" or "the thunderstick".
8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and
you just lie there, grinning.
9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and
inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies.
Then I'll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys
so they have to stay. I understand that video footage of such
incidents is an indispensable part of the experience and in the
event that you do not already possess one, I will acquire a video
camera for you at the earliest opportunity.
10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day
meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform
them that you have "ruined me for other men".
11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games,
barbecues and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension
of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to
operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron,
the Hoover and the washing machine, of course.
Signed ____________________________________
Date ____________________
MikeZ.
Public Msg #1193066 *Comedy* 18:37 24-AUG-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Thor (Awarded 3000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Tarzan :)
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him
and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed
for sex.
"What's that" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said
"Oh, Tarzan use a hole in the trunk of tree"!
Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong but I will show you
how to do it properly".
She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs
wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here".
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an
almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp,
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"Tarzan check for bees first!"
Public Msg #1193381 *Comedy* 18:01 26-AUG-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Scarlet (Awarded 3000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: accountants...
Three big accountants were in the urinal performing their morning
ritual. The first accounts finishes, walks over to the sink, and washes
his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses
paper towel after paper towel, and ensures that every single spot of
water on his hands is dried. Turning to the other two accountants, he
says "At Price Waterhouse, we are trained to be extremely thorough".
The second accountant finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to
wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he
dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He
turns and says "At Arthur Andersen, not only are we trained to be
extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient".
The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "At Ernst
& Young, we don't piss on our hands.."
Public Msg #1193535 *Comedy* 18:22 27-AUG-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Nickz (1 Reply) (Awarded 10000 Credits)
To: Pengo
Subj: New Jokes
Reply to #1193505
> Can someone please post some jokes I haven't heard before.
Q. How many Active Sysops does it take to change a light bulb?
A. One. The others never do any work :)
Q. How many Akuma's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to climb up and change it, and the other to perve at
his arse :)
Q. How many Pyscho does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four. One to change it and three to drink to it :)
Q. How many Pengos does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change it and the other to motivate him to do it :)
Q. How many Laithas does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change it and the other to cry over the old one :)
Q. How many Kevs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to change it, and another to hold the third one down so
he doesn't break it again! :)
Q. How many Greedy's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. He melted all the spare bulbs :)
Q. How many Jylz' does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to change it and four to comfort the old one :)
Q. How many Johnz does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They'd just argue about what wattage bulb to use and never
come to an agreement :)
Q. How many Astroboys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change it and one to 'supply' it :)
Q. How many Mills does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. Some other cunt can do it! :)
Q. How many Sonics does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change it and the other to get the new one from his
neighbours while they're out :)
Q. How many Fire's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. She uses candles :)
Q. How many Abyss's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. She'd never change it. Light bulbs aren't biodegradable :)
Q. How many Julia's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change it and the other to write a message asking if
she can run a /Light_Bulb sig :)
Q. How many Merumaats does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change it and the other to operate the crane :)
Q. How many Frankies does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. That's a faggot's job! :)
...NickZ :)
Public Msg #1194076 *Comedy* 22:13 30-AUG-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mystery (Awarded 10000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: To buy a Horse...
There's this midget looking to buy a horse.
"A female horth," the midget asks the owner. So the owner shows him a
female horse.
"Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouth?" the midget says, so the
owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
The midget continues "Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" The owner
picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.
"Ah, nith eyesth. Ok, what about the earsth?" The owner is getting
pissed off, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the
ears.
The midget says "OK, good earsth. Finally, can I see her twat." With
that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's
twat, then pulls him out.
Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I should weephrase that.
Can I thee her run?"
Public Msg #1194550 *Comedy* 21:19 02-SEP-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Cloey (2 Replies) (Awarded 4000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: jokie
A polar bear walked into a bar and said to the barman "I'll have a
gin.................................................................
and...............................................tonic, thanks!" The
barman said "Why the big pause?" The polar bear said "I was born like
that"...
Public Msg #1197443 *Comedy* 00:43 18-SEP-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Lilith (Awarded 3000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: So why ..
Why do they call it a pap smear?
If they called it a cunt scrape we'd never have one..
L.
Public Msg #1198850 *Comedy* 06:40 29-SEP-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Laitha (Awarded 4000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: hellhits.txt
I got this from Reader's Digest.. slightly lame I know, but it's
written by Steve Martin (yes, the actor/comedian), and I found it
extremely amusing. :)
All about what the true definition of hell is. :)
Sounds terrifying to me. :) :)
moosh:)
Public Msg #1199176 *Comedy* 22:32 01-OCT-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Vead (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: oneliner
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre,
so he gives her one.
<bow>
Public Msg #1200080 *Comedy* 22:08 10-OCT-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: monkey.txt
I wasn't too sure if this should go in here or in /Poetry (as it's
not really a joke, more of a story). Anyway, decided on here.
I like monkeys.
Public Msg #1200407 *Comedy* 18:43 12-OCT-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 1400 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Little Red Hiding Hood
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
The wolf jumps up and runs away!!! Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree
stump.
"My what big ears you have Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood.
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the track
Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again, this time crouched down
behind a road sign.
"My what big teeth you have Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood.
With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams..."Will you fuck off,
I'm trying to take a shit!
MikeZ.
Public Msg #1200409 *Comedy* 18:46 12-OCT-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Visit to the Zoo
Visit To The Zoo
----------------
Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the
elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak
(as they do) Johnny points to the elephant's privates and says,
"Mommy, what's that?" Mommy, seeing the huge member, turns bright
red and says, "Oh, that's nothing. Never mind. Come along now."
A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny
grabs his Dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he
has a question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephant's member and
says, "Daddy, what's that?" Dad replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?"
"Yes, she told me it was nothing."
"Well, your mom is spoiled, son."
MikeZ.
Public Msg #1201034 *Comedy* 03:08 17-OCT-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Odo (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Cosmic Chain Letter
~+
* + Scientists this week
' | decoded the first
() .-.,="``"=. - o - confirmed alien
'=/_ \ | transmission from
* | '=._ | outer space.
\ `=./`, '
. '=.__.=' `=' * Here is the text of
+ + the message that
O * ' . they decoded.
.
"This really works! Just send 5*10toms of hydrogen to each
of the five star systems listed below. Then, add your own system
to the top of the list, delete the system at the bottom, and send
out copies of this message to 100 other solar systems. If you follow
these instructions, within 0.25 of a galactic rotation you are guaran-
teed to receive enough hydrogen in return to power your civilization
until entropy reaches its maximum!"
Public Msg #1201036 *Comedy* 03:11 17-OCT-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Odo (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: You might be a redneck Jedi If...
You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If...
Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.
You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
Strawberry Hill.
You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
You think that the Stormtroopers Elite Guards are just KKK members with
really good sheets.
A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not the force.
Your master ever said "My finger you will pull..hmmm?"
You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
Wookies are offended by your B.O.
You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't
have to wait for a commercial.
You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a non-twist-off
bottle of beer.
Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark
side...it'll be a hoot."
You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.
Public Msg #1202332 *Comedy* 17:08 24-OCT-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Laitha (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: :)
Dear Tech Support,
I am writing this letter as a last resort. Last year I upgraded from
Girlfriend 7.0, to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began
unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable
resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product
brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches during system initialisation, where it monitors
all other system activity. Applications such as Weekend Surf Trip 10.3,
Drunken Boys Night 2.5, and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in
the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite
applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but
uninstall does not work on this program.
Can you help me, please??
Thanks,
Joe. :)
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem that men complain about but it is
mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a
"Utilities & Entertainment" program. Wife 1.0 is an *operating system*
and designed by it's creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would
be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0.
Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to
emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install,
delete or purge the program files from the system once installed. You
can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do
this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0, or Wife 2.0 but end up
with more problems than the original system.
Look in your manual under "warning - Alimony/Child Support." I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having
Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire
section reegarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume
all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless
of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command
C:\apologise. In any case avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because
ultimately you will have to use the apologise command before the
operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as
long as you take blame for all theGPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but
very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve
the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1, and Chocolates
5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt
3.3. This is not a supported appliation for Wife 1.0 and is likely to
cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Tech Support.
Public Msg #1203387 *Comedy* 20:16 31-OCT-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 900 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: CHRISTMAS JUST WASN'T THE SAME.
It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really
pissed. It was Christmas eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs.
Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were
complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put
in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all
afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out for a
spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off
one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got
to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few
hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on
strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid
Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back
yet! What am I going to do?".
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in
from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says: "Yo,
Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this
year???"
And thus the tradition of Angels perched on top of the Christmas
trees came to pass. . . .
Woolly dolphin. 608
Public Msg #1204405 *Comedy* 02:33 06-NOV-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Odo (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: Chain Letter Hell :)
This is hilarious - well worth doing an ASCII download - RIGHT NOW!!!
John
Public Msg #1205084 *Comedy* 20:37 11-NOV-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Chucky (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Hah.
A few days before his proctological exam, a one-eyed man accidentally
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a day or so, but since there
were no ill effects he soon forgot about it and made do with his spare.
When his appointment arrived, the man went to the surgery, undressed and
bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the
man's freckle was that eye staring right back at him. "You know," said
the doctor, "you're really going to have to learn to trust me."
ChuQ.
Public Msg #1205100 *Comedy* 22:22 11-NOV-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Memnoch (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Sinless?
Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached
them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should
stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first
stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky, and knocked the
woman on the side of her head.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad...," Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"
Public Msg #1205354 *Comedy* 00:31 14-NOV-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Memnoch (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Kezza
Subj: Dubnk
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
who the hell are you I think?
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
but the drunker I stand here,
the longer I get.
So, just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
Public Msg #1205366 *Comedy* 01:05 14-NOV-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Memnoch (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: hrtprog.txt
This is really geeky, yet sweet at the same time.
I thought it'd be better of titling it "Love for Dummies - A guide for
the rest of us"
Anyway, ASCII download. Click Y to download the file, and 1 to ASCII
download it. (The file is rather large)
Enjoy.
Peace, love, empathy, and a good reboot
Public Msg #1208167 *Comedy* 16:56 01-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Bible, uni students, obvious connection
Top ten reasons why the bible would be different if it were written by
university students.
10. The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning, cold.
9. The Ten Commandments would be actually only five, double-spaced, and
written in large font.
8. Promiscuous females would be pissed, not stoned.
7. Forbidden fruit would still have been eaten, anything is better than
college food.
6. Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to
abuse@romans.gov.
5. Reason Cain Killed Abel: they were flatting together and the dishes
weren't getting done.
4. The time and place where the end of the world occurs would be lecture
theatres in October.
3. Mary would have made a complaint to the sexual harassment committee
concerning Gods unwanted advances.
2. The reason why Moses and the followers walked in the desert for forty
years: they didn't want to ask directions and look like first years.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due
and then pulled an all-nighter.
Public Msg #1208582 *Comedy* 01:40 04-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Luckydog (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: turkeys.jpg
Public Msg #1208906 *Comedy* 02:37 07-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Lilith (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: This is one my brother told me.
Apparently this doens't apply to him. [care factor low and falling]
Anyway.
This bloke was at a nightclub one night and picks up this stunning girl.
After a few drinks and a chat they go back to his place for a shag.
As he takes his daks off she starts laughing at his tiny willy.
'Who do you think you're going to please with that small thing?' she
asked.
He stands up proudly and says 'ME !!'
L.
Public Msg #1208987 *Comedy* 20:33 07-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Luckydog (Awarded 900 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Twenty-two Useful Expressions for High-Stress Days
(1). Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.
(2). Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
(3). A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
(4). Do I look like a fucking people person?
(5). This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
(6). If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'll put shoes
on my cat.
(7). Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
(8). Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
(9). And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be ...?
(10). Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
(11). Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
(12). Do they ever shut up on your planet?
(13). I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
(14). I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
(15). How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
(16). You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
(17). Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
(18). Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
(19). You look like shit. Is that the style now?
(20). Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
(21). It must be awful hard to hear with your head up you ass.
(22). I'd agree with you if you were right, but you're not.
Cheers,
LuCkY
Public Msg #1208991 *Comedy* 20:42 07-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Mabster (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: headlines.txt
50 Actual Newspaper Headlines
(collected by actual journalists)
Public Msg #1209052 *Comedy* 08:39 08-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Nickz (2 Replies) (Awarded 10000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: WARNING: This Message May Offend! :)
Q. How many Veads does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Half, while the other half eats a pie.
Q. How many Dazzas does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. One to change it and one to stop the other eating it again!
Q. How many Folkens does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change it and the other to tell us that glass is safer
to eat than bread.
Q. How many Kezzas does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. Unfortunately he keeps the spare bulbs near the beers.
Q. How many Amaze's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change it and the other to flick the switch on and
off like a strobe :)
Q. How many Serenities does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Darkness can be your friend :)
Q. How many Rex's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. He pretends to changed it and says that the new one blew :)
Q. How many Kodiaks does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Two. One to change it and one to copy a message to everyone
saying how he was being harassed while trying to change it.
Q. How many Gabrielles does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. They can't find her in the dark :)
Q. How many Chuckys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None. He's too busy accusing Mike of breaking it.
Q. How many Jedd's does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Surely unix can do that?
Q. How many Crusaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Crusader?? Are you there? Hellooo????
Q. Who man Mumbi take light bulb okay
Q. How many Attitudes does it take to change a light bulb?
A. She wouldn't even realise it was blown.
Q. How many Voodoos does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Twelve. One to change it, one to turn the light switch on, one to
turn the TV back off and show him which one's the light switch, one to
reset Active after he trips over it, one to replace the vase which
accidently got in the way, one to fix the ladder that couldn't support
his weight, one to buy a new cat because he thought its head was the
light bulb, one to replace the window which he fell through, one to
bust the fakies, one to ring his neighbour to ask if the light's back
on because he can't tell, one to yell "Vre vre team slap vre well done
vre slap team team", and one to realise that it was actually the other
room that had the broken light.
...NickZ :)
Public Msg #1209145 *Comedy* 23:48 08-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: boysname.txt
Damn profanity.
View attached file.
Yes to download file. 1 for ASCII. (I think.)
Anyway, it's a guide to boy's names and what it means for the ladies.
Public Msg #1209846 *Comedy* 13:14 14-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Gabrielle (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: :)
When they checked into the hotel the clerk said the only room available
was teh bridal suite.
"But we've been married for 25 years, it would be wasted on us," said
the husband.
"Look," said the clerk, "If we put you in the ballroom we wouldn't
expect you to dance all night."
Public Msg #1209999 *Comedy* 14:13 15-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Gabrielle (Awarded 1300 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: brothels...
After months at sea the sailor asked the cab driver to take him to the
nearest knocking shop. When he got out and rapped on the door a small
panel opened and a female asked what he wanted.
"I want to come in," said the sailor.
"Well, this is a private club and you will have to slip a $50 membership
fee through the mail slot."
He did. Minutes passed and nothing happened.
"Hey!!" he roared, "I want to be screwed!!"
"What," said the womans voice through the door, "again?"
Public Msg #1210156 *Comedy* 18:09 16-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Charlie (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Seasons Greetings!!!
A lovely little Christmas poem I found whilst sorting thru stuff! :)
Money's Short
Times Are Hard
Here's Your F*ucking
Christmas Card!
T'Was the night before Christmas,
And all through the house,
Everybody felt shitty,
Even the mouse.
Mum at the whorehouse,
And Dad smoking grass,
I'd just settled down,
For a nice piece of ass.
When out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter,
I sprung from my piece,
To see what was the matter.
When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick,
I knew in a moment,
It must be Saint Nick!!
He came down the chimney,
Like a bat out of hell,
I knew in a moment,
The F*cker had fell.
He filled all our stockings,
With pretzels and beer,
And a big rubber dick,
For my brother, the queer.
He rose up the chimney,
with a thunderous fart,
The son of a bitch,
Blew the chimney apart!
He swore and he cursed,
As he rode out of sight,
"Piss on you all,
And have a hell of a night!!"
<grin> that is all :)
-*-Charlie-*-
:)
Public Msg #1210706 *Comedy* 17:36 19-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Odo (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: The Bastard Operator From Hell - Part 1.
This is the First of the Bastard Operator From Hell series.
If you are already familiar with the series, skip this message and go to
the next one. The next message contains the whole series in a ZIP
archive.
For those new to Bastard Operator From Hell, do an ASCII download, read,
laugh a lot, and then go and download the whole series.
This first file is only a glimpse of what's in the whole series!
John
Public Msg #1210707 *Comedy* 17:47 19-DEC-99 *EXEMPT*
From: Odo (Awarded 3000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: The *WHOLE* BOFH Archive.
To my knowledge this archive contains the whole Bastard Operator
Archives - including the following:
BOFH - Numberic Series
BOFH - Operator Goes to Britain
BOFH - Trainee
BOFH - Glossary
BOFH - Genesis Series
BOFH - System Manager
BOFH - 1996 & 1997 Updates.
Various humorous images from the Web Sites.
Let me know if I've missed anything...
Archive is in .zip format, and expanded files in .html.
John
Public Msg #1215297 *Comedy* 13:10 15-JAN-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Paranoid (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: tracks
One day, three friends go hunting.
Only one is very good, so the second two plan to watch him.
They arrive at the hunting cabin, and get all set up.
The next day, the first hunter goes out. He returns with a big deer.
The second two guys ask him how he did that.
They can't believe how big the deer is.
"It was easy. Found the tracks, followed the tracks, BAM shot the
deer."
The next day, the second hunter goes out, and comes back with an even
bigger deer. The third guy's eyes bug out when he sees it, and he asks
him how he did it.
"Same thing the first guy did. Found the tracks, followed the
tracks, BAM shot the deer."
So on the third day, the last guy goes out to hunt.
He doesn't come back for a very long time.
When he staggers into the cabin, rifle gone, all beat up and bruised,
with only one boot, the other two are very surprised.
They ask him what happened.
"Well...I found the tracks, followed the tracks...BAM got run
over by a train."
Teena
Public Msg #1215298 *Comedy* 13:11 15-JAN-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Paranoid (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: maternity
A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that he could
never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day he fell in love
with an elf nurse.
One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft
music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of
his problem.
"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."
Blushing the man drops his trousers.
"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."
"Really?" the relieved elf asked.
She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the maternity unit."
Teena
Public Msg #1215301 *Comedy* 13:21 15-JAN-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Paranoid (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: If you love something.
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, It will always be yours.
If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats
your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to
realize that you had set it free.......
You either married it or gave birth to it.
Teena
Public Msg #1215304 *Comedy* 13:36 15-JAN-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Paranoid (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Rules For Being Human
RULES FOR BEING HUMAN
1. YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY.
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire
period this time around.
2. YOU WILL LEARN LESSONS.
You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day
in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may
like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.
3. THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, ONLY LESSONS.
Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed"
experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that
ultimately "works".
4. A LESSON IS REPEATED UNTIL LEARNED.
A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have
learned it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next
lesson.
5. LEARNING LESSONS DOES NOT END.
There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you
are alive, there are lessons to be learned.
6. "THERE" IS NO BETTER THAN "HERE".
When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another
"there" that will, again, look better than "here".
7. OTHERS ARE MERELY MIRRORS OF YOU.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it
reflects to you something you love or hate in yourself.
8. WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them
is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. YOUR ANSWERS LIE INSIDE YOU.
The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is
look, listen and trust.
10. YOU WILL FORGET THIS.
Public Msg #1215540 *Comedy* 20:48 16-JAN-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Faggot Website
New faggot website:
www.c:.enter
<say it aloud>
MikeZ.
Public Msg #1217891 *Comedy* 10:20 31-JAN-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Nixie (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: more..:)
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps
getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick
most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns
to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you
this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my
guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has
never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a
man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares
out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that
the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in
the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned
if I'm going to miss it!"
Public Msg #1218473 *Comedy* 03:24 04-FEB-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Navigator (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: haveal~1.jpg
This is worth a chuckle!
R
úùù ùùú
oRToRaToR
GaToRiGaToR
ViGaToRaViGaToR
NaViGaToR NaViGaToR
NaViGaToR
Public Msg #1218490 *Comedy* 11:52 04-FEB-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Nixie (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: CLassic Laugh..:)
A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses a
note to the Chinaman that says, "Use more soap on panties."
This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.
Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said, "Use
more paper on ass."
Public Msg #1218814 *Comedy* 16:59 07-FEB-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Amaze (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: top 50 things to do during a exam
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say, "oh geez, better get cracking," and do some
gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've
got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is
long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be
creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the
instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud,
debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop,
yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then
start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it,
loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this.
I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal?
And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at
max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way
to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer
this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious
beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a
sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say, "They've found me, I
have to leave the country," and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers
into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry
Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the
exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen
minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on
your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam.
Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one,
make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not
looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor
to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a
percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk
out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false.
If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting
things (DCCAB.BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out, "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all
leaving after one hour to go drink)
continued ...
amaz()
Public Msg #1218816 *Comedy* 17:00 07-FEB-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Amaze
To: ** ALL **
Subj: top 50 things continued...
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy)
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks
why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb
that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to
a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes,
put on a white mask and start yelling, "I'm here, the phantom of the
opera," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you
know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize
you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture.
Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly,
say, "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel?
Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy.
Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they
finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the
theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs
you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most
equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own
life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way
through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you
have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is
obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise
you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and
staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the
attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like
they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to
you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc...
sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks,
chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at
a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you
are asked to stop, say, "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the
Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find
the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to
use the phrase, "Told you so."
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks."
amaz()
Public Msg #1218970 *Comedy* 22:38 08-FEB-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Nixie (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: It is all for the children!..:)
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all
out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts,
two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the
woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some
firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a
wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown
calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make
the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully
tries
to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window
and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches
in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps
high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your
friend is doing is absolutely marvellous. I have never seen such a
thing.
Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for
the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him...
HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Public Msg #1218972 *Comedy* 22:40 08-FEB-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Nixie (Awarded 900 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: I am the King of the Jungle..:)
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out
and cornered a small monkey and roared, "Who is mightiest of all jungle
animals?"
The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!
"Later, the lion confronts a wildebeest and fiercely bellows, "Who is
the
mightiest of all jungle animals?"
The terrified wildebeest stammers, "Oh great lion, you are by far the
mightiest animal in the jungle!"
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars, "Who is
the mightiest of all jungle animals?"
Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk,
slams him against a tree half a dozen times, making the lion feeling
like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomped on
the lion until it looked like a corn tortilla and then ambled away.
The lion let out a moan of pain, lifted his head weakly and hollered
after the elephant, "Geez, just because you don't know the answer, you
don't have to get so pissed off!"
Public Msg #1218982 *Comedy* 22:48 08-FEB-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Nixie (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: You can love your pets, just dont *love* your pets
The Melbourne zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a
few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny, and difficult to
handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem.
The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male
gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem,
the park management noticed Wayne, a part time intern from Sunshine,
responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Wayne, like most men from
the western suburbs, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to
satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought
they might have a solution. Wayne was approached with a proposition.
Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Wayne showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter
over carefully. The following day, Wayne announced that he would accept
their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her."
"Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The park
administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what
the third condition was.
"Well," said Wayne, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the
$500."
Public Msg #1222181 *Comedy* 00:31 07-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 6000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: The Bear
A man was keen to bag himself a bear. He packed his gun, drove to the
forest, found a trail, and stalked it for hours. At last he saw a
slight movement in the bushes up ahead. He froze, raised the gun to
his shoulder, took aim, and.... felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned
around to see a 7 foot grizzly staring down at him.
"If you don't give me a blowjob I'll eat you", rumbled the bear.
Later, as the hunter was stumbling back to his car with his mouth full
of bear fur, he could be heard muttering "Ah'm gunna git thet bear,
Ah'm gunna git thet bear..."
So he packs his rifle, goes to the forest, finds the trail, stalks it
for hours and hours, sees a rustle in the bushes up ahead, raises his
gun, takes aim.... and feels a tap on the shoulder. The same bear looks
down at him and growls "if you don't drop your pants and bend over I'll
rip your limbs off and chew on 'em". Later, as the hunter is getting his
buttocks stitched back together at the doctor's surgery, he could be
heard muttering "Ah'm gunna git thet bear, Ah'm gunna git thet bear..."
So he packs his rifle, goes to the forest, finds the trail, stalks it
for hours and hours, sees a rustle in the bushes up ahead, raises his
gun, takes aim.... and feels a tap on the shoulder. Yep, it's the same
bear.
"If you don't let me fist you, I'm going to rip your head off!". So
the hunter bends over and the bear fists him with his clawed paw.
Later, as his insides are being stitched up and his arse is swollen and
bruised, he could be heard muttering "Ah'm gunna git thet bear, Ah'm
gunna git thet bear..."
So he packs his rifle, goes to the forest, finds the trail, stalks it
for hours and hours, sees a rustle in the bushes up ahead, raises his
gun, takes aim.... and feels a tap on the shoulder. The same bear looks
down at him curiously and says "tell me, you're not here for the
hunting, are you?"
Public Msg #1222182 *Comedy* 00:42 07-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 5000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: True
A woman walks into a supermarket and buys :
- 1 bar of soap
- 1 toothbrush
- 1 tube of toothpaste
- 1 loaf of bread
- 1 pint of milk
- 1 single serving cereal
- 1 single serving frozen dinner
The guy at the checkout looks at her and says, "Single, aren't you?"
The woman replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess?"
He replies, "Because you're fucking ugly."
Public Msg #1222183 *Comedy* 00:49 07-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 10000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Vermont
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Vermont to be as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman
once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total
peace and quiet. After six months of almost total isolation, he's
finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens
it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch, your neighbour from four miles over the ridge...Havin'
a party Saturday.. Thought maybe you'd like to come". "Great!", says
Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks.
Thank you! I'll be there!" As Enoch is leaving, he stops, "Gotta
warn you - there's gonna be some drinkin' goin'on..lottsa drinkin'."
"Not a problem.. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink
with the best of them!" Again, as Enoch starts to leave, he says,
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too! Lottsa fightin'!"
Damn! Sam thinks.. Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be
there. Thanks again!" Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen
some wild sex at these parties, too!" "Now that's not a problem" says
Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definately be
there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again
and says, "Don't make no difference - just gonna be the two of us."
Public Msg #1222364 *Comedy* 00:14 08-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Garn?
Words were the topic of the million dollar television quiz show where
Professor Geewhizz challenged the audience to stump him with a word he
couldn't put into a sentence.
"Garn!" shouted a bloke in the third row. "Garn?" said the Professor,
"Not a swear word is it?" "No" said the punter in the third row,
"Garn!". Time went by, the buzzer went and the audience applauded.
"You've stumped him!" said the MC,"how do you use the word?"
"Garn fuck yourself!" said the punter and the show was closed
immediately.
It took 12 months for the network to get over it. Finally they had the
gumption to start it up again with the proviso that they would screen
the audience in future. On opening night they scrutinised each member
of the audience as they arrived before asking for the first word.
The cameras were rolling and the show was live. A man in the third row
wearing a vicars collar and a beard put his hand up. "Smee!" he said.
"Smee?" said the professor, "Smee?". Seconds ticked by and he was
forced to concede the very first word. After the applause had died
down the MC asked "How do you use the word sir?" The punter stood up,
pulled off the beard and collar and said "Smee again! Garn fuck
yourself!"
Public Msg #1222498 *Comedy* 23:16 08-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (1 Reply) (Awarded 4000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Corporate Management help
Lesson Number One:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small
rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do
nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very
high up.
Lesson Number Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get
to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull, "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next
day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Number Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold,
the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it
was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to
realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A
passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of
cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The morals of this story are:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut
Public Msg #1222501 *Comedy* 23:26 08-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Who wants to marry a software engineer?
Hot on the heels of the success of the show, "Who Wants to Marry a
Multi-Millionaire?", welcome to "Who Wants to Marry a Software
Engineer?", Silicon Valley's newest game show.
Here's your contestant questionnaire ...
1) What quality do you value most in your partner?
a) A sense of humor
b) Emotional maturity
c) High bandwidth
2) When you get home at the end of the day, you like to:
a) Turn on the Silicon Valley Business report, and eat dinner
b) Hook up to your ISP, and check out the hit count on your web page
c) Recharge your cell phone, laptop, and wireless modem, change
batteries on your pager, and resynchronize your Palm Pilot and
home computer
3) Your ideal partner is:
a) Interesting and attractive.
b) Emotionally mature and understanding.
c) Extensible and polymorphic.
4) In spiritually difficult times, you often turn to:
a) Dilbert.
b) Kernighan and Ritchie.
c) comp.lang.c++
5) If go over to your partner's place and think its a mess, you would:
a) Complain to him/her, and tell them to tidy up.
b) Call a maid service.
c) make clean
6) What kind of car would you like to buy next, and why?
a) A BMW, because people will see that I am rich and successful.
b) A Jeep, because it's youthful, rugged, and won't break down.
c) A Honda, because the engine control computer can be hacked for
more horsepower.
7) If your partner comes home from work complaining bitterly about
his/her boss, you will:
a) Give him/her a hug, pour a drink, and tell him/her you love
him/her.
b) Commiserate about how unfair managers can be.
c) Forge the boss's e-mail address, and subscribe him/her to 17
pornography mailing lists.
8) Name the 4 essential food groups:
a) Fruit, vegetables, meat, dairy.
b) Coffee, chocolate, takeout, ice cream.
c) rec.food.cooking, rec.food.veg, ba.food, alt.food.chocolate
9) You like to travel with your partner because:
a) You share new experiences together.
b) You learn about each other in different situations.
c) You get more use out of your wireless modem.
10) How would you describe your attitude towards religion?
a) "I'm not particularly religious."
b) "I believe in emacs, but can use vi."
c) "I think emacs can be configured as a full IDE."
11) You think a relationship is ready for permanent commitment because
a) You've successfully struggled through several years of good and
bad times.
b) You're already living together, so you might as well tie the knot.
c) You finally got your local network configured just right.
12) If you and your partner got married, you would want to:
a) Keep your last name.
b) Change your last name.
c) Combine your names with a hyphen.
d) Combine your names with an underscore.
13) You and your partner think it's time to have children when:
a) Your stock options are vested.
b) You've agreed on the requirements and design.
c) You've come up with a good naming convention.
Public Msg #1222502 *Comedy* 23:27 08-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Squeezing Principle
A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son.
The kid is spinning a dollar coin in the air and catching it
between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps
into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight
into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts
choking and going blue in the face and his Dad starts panicking,
shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at
a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup
of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his
coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and
places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his
unhurried way cross the market. Reaching the boy (who is still
standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's
testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the
boy convulses violently and coughs up the dollar coin, which the
man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the
coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar
without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting
ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts
effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off
the father's thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one
last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that
before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something
like that?"
"Oh, good heavens no" the man replies, "I work for the taxation
department."
Public Msg #1222504 *Comedy* 23:36 08-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Blow Job Etiquette
Copy by Folken
Blow Job Etiquette (by a woman)
1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not
standard practice to cum on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5- do not push on the top of my head. Last I
heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really
WANT puke on your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to fart or fall
asleep.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it
through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't
feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have
sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue balls" might have worked on high school
girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone
with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't
tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to
be repeated in the future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate
about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy
that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get
blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate
to either sympathize or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have
to "kiss it good morning".
******************************************
A Man's Rebuttal
1. First of all, yes, you ARE obligated to do it. If you don't we
will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean
anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and be
thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is
the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we
get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. WE like that.
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning
now, but when you get old and fat and looking for some action, I
gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any
on your face, now will you?
Public Msg #1223458 *Comedy* 13:26 19-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Greedy (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: aehehea :)
The Technically-Challenged Blonde
---------------------------------
A man was in his front yard mowing his grass when his attractive
blond neighbor came out of the house and rushed straight to the
mailbox. She opened it, looked in, then slammed it shut and stormed
back into the house. A little later she came out of her house
again, went right to the mailbox and this time opened it, looked
in, felt around it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into
the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn,
she came out again, marched over to the mailbox, opened it, felt
all the way to the back, and then slammed it closed harder than
ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something
wrong?" To which she replied, "There certainly is!"...... "My
stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."
Greedy! :)
Public Msg #1223963 *Comedy* 17:43 23-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Arrogance (2 Replies) (Awarded 700 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Real life amusement. :)
Keatings one and all, I thought i'd log on and share with you
something quite profound. You see, unlike others I will go out of my way
:)
I was walking down a sidestreet on local suburb Macarthur on
Tuesday, carrying a 21" Brand Spanking new Acer monitor, a mini tower
containing a 486 yaddah yahhad.. A New server for one of our clients..
[amazing how a monitor has more power than the server :]
Anyway,. I'm chuffing away a nice refreshing cancer stick when I was
approached by 3 very adorable looking hoodlum sorts..
From memory the oldest was 17.
They demanded a smoke.
But i'm all like Chyeah, Whatever. Look at what I am carrying dickwad..
Why dont you collect the peanuts from your shit and sell them back to
snickers and with that money you can buy your fucking own.
Now things are getting interesting..
They are blocking my way..
Ever heard the sound of a brand new never been turned on outside the
factory monitor that's bigger than my ego break!?
Well, it ain't pretty..
Oh wow, there goes my super dyanmic server..
Rapture, Oh amusement.. I have three little Ice Cube wanna be's
re-inacting the Rodney King incident.
Now i'm not the intimidating sorts, but I managed to survive in Lakemba
for 18 years of my life.. I could step thru anywhere from Marrickville
to Bankstown and get treated like the Blonde Haired Allah.
I throw my only punch, into the biggest ones face.. He must be proud
now, But it could be mistaken that his mother bought an electronic swing
and turned it on facing a wall, went to bed and turned it off the next
morning.. with this kid in it.. Funnily enough, my right hand is now
lifeless and I cannot for the life of me lift anything with it..
For all that don't know. I'm a big wrestling fan. Very big.
One retard runs towards me, single leg takedown. whoH! And i'm as bald
as Hogan too :)
I guess the other one went to call a security guard, because now i'm
flat on my face, being told i'm going to pay for this.. Once again, he's
holding my right wrist, bad idea :) a twist and lift i'm up on my feet
and my cat boots are on his Dunlop Volleys or whatever.
Thank god for old biddies who explained the whole matter.
What got me was that i couldn't in any way shape or form do anything
legal about the capital lost.
i am amused, that i fucked my wrist on a kid's face, even though if he
sees me in Macarthur ever again i'll be dead.
Oh no.
And i'm scared..
I should write a messag about the time a certain active user was too
scared to throw a punch at me because i had a "mad" 6 pack..
Hint: he has an X for access.. he is very elite :)
But i won't.. Because i'm crap..
But i can play.. If you smell what the Arrogance is cookin'.
Public Msg #1223992 *Comedy* 20:53 23-MAR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Mikez (2 Replies) (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: Arrogance
Subj: Real life amusement. :)
Reply to #1223963
> I should write a messag about the time a certain active user was too
> scared to throw a punch at me because i had a "mad" 6 pack..
> Hint: he has an X for access.. he is very elite :)
All skinny cunts have 6 packs, Vre. It's impossible not to. Stop
wanking, malaka.
MikeZ :)
Public Msg #1225271 *Comedy* 19:37 04-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Greedy (2 Replies) (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: Amaze
FILE: Ravers :)
How to spot a raver. :)
y1 again. :)
Greedy! :)
Public Msg #1225276 *Comedy* 19:40 04-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Greedy (1 Reply) (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: Bumper Stickers
:)
y1
Greedy! :)
Public Msg #1225870 *Comedy* 00:35 08-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Johnz (Awarded 5000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Busy Barber
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before
I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About
two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop
full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill,
follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes
back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
¯ JohnZ ®
Public Msg #1228155 *Comedy* 17:05 29-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (1 Reply) (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: Jedd
Subj: Thinkers Anonymous
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at
parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though,
one thought led to another, and soon I was more than
just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself -
but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and
more important to me, and finally I was thinking all
the time.
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read
Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied
and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing
here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One
evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about
the meaning of life. She spent that night at her
mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the
boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it
hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real
problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll
have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think
about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss.
"Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a
divorce!"
"But honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think
as much as college professors, and college professors
don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't
have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she
began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library,"
I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche,
with an NPR station on the radio. I roared into the parking
lot and ran up to the big glass doors...they didn't open.
The library was closed!
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out
for me that night.
As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass,
whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognise that line. It comes from the
standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a
non-educational video; last week it was "Caddyshack."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.
Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped
thinking.
Now that makes you think, doesn't it?
Public Msg #1228157 *Comedy* 17:08 29-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: The feebs
The following is a direct quote from the Center for
Strategic and International Studies report on Global
Organized Crime.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital
in San Diego that was under investigation for medical
insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of
medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite
an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation
called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to
order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation was recorded by
the FBI because they were taping all conversations
at the hospital:
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and
67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through
the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go
around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the
pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an
FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're
starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can
you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service
entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so. (click)
Public Msg #1228161 *Comedy* 17:18 29-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: racism at it's funniest
Have a read of this - For anyone who didn't see David
Letterman's take on this: (And it's a true story...)
On a recent weekend in Atlantic City, a woman won a
bucketful of quarters at a slot machine. She took a
break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the
hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the
quarters in her room. "I'll be right back and we'll go
to eat," she told her husband and carried the coin-laden
bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two
men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was big..
very big... an intimidating figure. The woman froze. Her
first thought was: These two are going to rob me. Her next
thought was: Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice
gentlemen.
But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized
her. She stood and stared at the two men. She felt anxious,
flustered and ashamed. She hoped they didn't read her mind
- but God, they had to know what she was thinking!
Her hesitation about joining them in the elevator was all
too obvious now. Her face was flushed. She couldn't just
stand there, so with a mighty effort of will she picked up
one foot and stepped forward and followed with the other foot
and was on the elevator. Avoiding eye contact, she turned
around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another.
Her fear increased! The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed
her. My God, she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed!
Her heart plummeted. Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the men said, "Hit the floor." Instinct told her
to do what they told her. The bucket of quarters flew upwards
as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.
A shower of coins rained down on her. Take my money and spare
me, she prayed. More seconds passed. She heard one of the men
say politely, "Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're
going to, we'll push the button." The one who said it had a
little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily
to hold in a belly laugh.
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They
reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her
feet. "When I told my friend here to hit the floor," said the
average sized one, "I meant that he should hit the elevator
button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor,
ma'am." He spoke genially.
He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not
laughing. The woman thought: My God, what a spectacle I've made
of myself. She was too humiliated to speak. She wanted to blurt
out an apology, but words failed her. How do you apologize to
two perfectly respectable gentlemen for behaving as though they
were going to rob you? She didn't know what to say. The three of
them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket.
When the elevator arrived at her floor they insisted on walking
her to her room. She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and
they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor. At her
door they bid her a good evening. As she slipped into her room
she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back
to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled
herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room - a dozen
roses.
Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred dollar bill.
The card said:
"Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years."
It was signed,
Eddie Murphy
Michael Jordan
Public Msg #1228162 *Comedy* 17:21 29-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Heaviest element
The heaviest element known to science was recently
discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research
university. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number
of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant
neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force that
involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of
lepton-like particles called peons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.
However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every
reaction it comes in contact with. According to the
discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would
have normally occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately
three years, at which time it does not decay, but instead
undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons,
vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium sample's mass actually INCREASES
over time, since with each reorganization some of the
morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some
scientists to speculate that perhaps Administratium is
spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is
referred to as "critical morass."
Public Msg #1228166 *Comedy* 17:25 29-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Heaven
A young woman dies in a car wreck and finds herself in front of the
Pearly Gates. St Peter quizzes her for a while and then, accompanied
by a guide, admits her to a building where she will complete her
transition into heaven.
Upon walking down the corridor the woamn hears a buzzing sound and
then a scream, she asks her guide "what is going on in there?"
Her guide says " well thats the room where the drill the hole to fit
your halo"
They continued down the corridor until they pass another door, where,
same as the last they hear someone screaming as if being tortured.
Again the young lady asks "what is going on in there? More halos
being fitted?"
"No", says the guide, "this is the room where they drill the holes
to fit your wings"
The young lady is silent for a moment then asks "whats down there,
you know, in hell?"
Her guide says "well down there in hades, there is sex and debauchery
for all eternity"
"Right" says the young woman, "thats where i'd like to go then."
"Why?" asks her guide
"Because", says the young lady, "Ive already got the holes for that"
Public Msg #1228169 *Comedy* 17:29 29-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 2000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Early retirement
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and
offered an early retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired straight away his full
annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a
straight line between any two anatomy points of the general,
with the general getting to select any pair of points he
wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the
pension man to >measure from the top of his head to the tip
of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the
tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where
to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis
to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that
perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out
the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine
insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that
he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em.
He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the
general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said.
"Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."
Public Msg #1228171 *Comedy* 17:35 29-APR-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 12000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Signs that you're in the 90's
1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South
America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor
yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that
they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider Australia Post painfully slow and/or call
it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored
post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of
in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still
answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally
insert a "9" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and
worked for three different companies.
14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you
lost all of your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more
likely to get long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third
World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in
the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left
until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant
knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when
told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know
it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art
laptop with all the latest features, while you have time
to go for lunch while yours boots up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're
in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five
permanent staff your department is short of, but they
can afford four full-time management consultants
advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
32. Every week another brown collection envelope
comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED
THERE is leaving.
33. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works
with computers".
34. The only reason you recognize your kids is because
their pictures are on your desk.
35. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE
36. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
37. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to
your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
38. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have
seen this list already, but you don't have time to check
so you forward it anyway.
Public Msg #1228893 *Comedy* 02:33 06-MAY-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Another blonde joke
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial
trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch,
they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their cheque book, then takes their last $600
out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and
decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell
it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest
town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and
drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you
to send her the word, 'comfortable'."
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to
know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send
her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."
Public Msg #1228911 *Comedy* 16:21 06-MAY-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Gabrielle (1 Reply) (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: The net..
I was just wondering..
Do you think theres an "Official Amish Webpage" ?
Just a thought.. :)
-Gabrielle-
Public Msg #1231791 *Comedy* 11:17 08-JUN-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Jedd (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: declan the humble crab
DECLAN THE HUMBLE CRAB
Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were
madly, deeply and passionately in love. For months they
enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled
over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says that crabs are too common", she wailed.
"He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that,
are the lowest class of crustacean...and that no daughter of
his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered and scuttled away into the darkness to
drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That
night the Great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came
from far and wide, dancing and merry-making, but the Lobster
Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her
father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in.
The Lobsters stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and
the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly,
Declan the crab made his way across the floor ... and all
could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he
finally looked King Lobster in the eye.
There was a deadly hush......
Finally the crab spoke..........
"Fuck, I'm pissed".
Public Msg #1232400 *Comedy* 17:52 18-JUN-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Pyscho (Awarded 900 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Dopey
The Seven Dwarfs went to the vatican to see the Pope.
Dopey said to the Pope " I wonder if you could tell me if there are any
midget nuns in this country? " To which the Pope replied," I'm sorry my
son, no there aren't any midget nuns in this country". At this a few of the
dwarfs started chuckling away. Dopey glared at them and said to the Pope
" Hmm, well, could you tell me if there are any midget nuns in this part
of the continent?" To which the Pope replied," I'm sorry my son, no
there aren't any midget nuns in this part of the continent". At this the
other dwarfs started laughing. Dopey glared at them and said to the
Pope " Well, could you tell me, are their any midget nuns in all of the
whole world ? " At this, the other dwarfs are rolling around the
ground in hysterics. The Pope replied," I'm sorry my son, no there
aren't any midget nuns in the whole wide world " To which on of the
dwarfs shouted " Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!!!"
Pys! (:
Public Msg #1233111 *Comedy* 03:28 02-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: One Liner
Einstein discovered that time and space are interchangeable
when he showed up three miles late for a meeting.
Public Msg #1233114 *Comedy* 03:31 02-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 900 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: postsale.txt
This was actually posted very briefly on the McDonnell Douglas website
by
an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of
course, does not - and made the web department take it down immediately.
(In case you don't know: McDonnell Douglas is one of the world's chief
suppliers of military aircraft).
Public Msg #1233117 *Comedy* 03:38 02-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (1 Reply) (Awarded 900 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: heeh
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no
one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They
don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house
in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they
figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite
the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN
YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs,
TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand
on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT
BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE
GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF
GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!!]
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I'm sorry...what did you ask me?
Public Msg #1233126 *Comedy* 03:53 02-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 700 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Movie ratings explained
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.
Public Msg #1233130 *Comedy* 03:58 02-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: leb.txt
How to be a ful sik habib
.
Public Msg #1233136 *Comedy* 04:08 02-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Klu Klux Klan
The southern preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.
Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness
from God and this Christian family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face me
and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven
and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression."
Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blond with a
body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was
bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has
been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member
of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of my friends that you were
a wizard under the sheets.
Public Msg #1233138 *Comedy* 04:09 02-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: husband.txt
Upgrading to Husband 1.0
Public Msg #1233140 *Comedy* 04:11 02-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Involuntary Muscles
A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy
class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The
instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the
woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having
an orgasm?"
"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids."
Public Msg #1233485 *Comedy* 23:53 08-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Light Bulb
Q. How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
Public Msg #1233487 *Comedy* 23:56 08-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 800 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Bank
A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
"Open the safe" he yells at the girl behind the counter.
"But we're not a real bank" she replies "We don't have any
money; this is a sperm bank".
"Don't argue!..........Open the fucking safe or I'll blow your
head off!"
She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says,
"Take out one of the bottles and drink it".
"But it's full of sperm!" she replies nervously.
"Don't argue, just drink it" he says.
She takes the cap off and gulps it down.
"Take out another one and drink it too" he demands. She takes out
another and drinks it as well.
Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and, to the girl's amazement,
it's her boyfriend.
"Not that fucking difficult, is it?"
Public Msg #1233488 *Comedy* 23:57 08-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Satan
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, the townspeople were in church,
listening to the organ play. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of
the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil
incarnate.
Soon everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious
to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he lumbered up to the man and
boomed, "Don't you know who I am?!"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
The King of Hell asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and exclaimed, "Why aren't you
afraid of me!?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Public Msg #1233489 *Comedy* 23:59 08-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Lost and found
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in
journalism.
His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write
a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the
country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way
back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded
to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked,
"Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my
neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all
screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people
happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
neighbour's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a
big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her,
we took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either.
Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?"
The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after
a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once."
Public Msg #1233490 *Comedy* 00:01 09-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Dr Seuss Explains Why Computers Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort
And the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash
And your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse
But your packets want to tunnel unto another protocol
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang
Cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
And the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk
Then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom
Public Msg #1233492 *Comedy* 00:03 09-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Differences Between You and Your Boss
When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping
your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss' boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's
overworked.
Public Msg #1233494 *Comedy* 00:05 09-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Program code recycling
The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical
headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality
simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training,
programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the
realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and,
in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix,
herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give
away a helicopter's position).
The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's
Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed
developers to model the local marsupials' movements and
reactions to helicopters.
Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some
code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions
under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a
soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of
movement.
Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting
American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual
kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos
scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded
appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos
reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of
Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the
programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the
infantry coding.)
The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes,
and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits
all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned
to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the
Yanks left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.
Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point
onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were
meant to.
From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization
Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports
Public Msg #1233497 *Comedy* 00:08 09-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: You know you're a raver when
* The total amount of sleep you get on weekends is the sum total of
how many times you've blinked since Friday night.
* You have sleeping patterns that would kill normal human beings
* You're dead against drinking alcohol, but will snort horse
tranquilliser with no prompting needed.
* You start to think of Chuppa Chups as a separate food group
* You can live for an entire weekend out of your backpack
* You're happy when there's a recession because it means more
empty warehouses.
* While your friends are getting married and have kids, you're
collecting yo-yo's and trying to remove chewing gum from your cargo
pants
* You visit your folks and you've got absolutely nothing that you
can say to your parents about your weekend.
* You can stand in front of a 12,000 watt speaker for an hour and be
loving every minute of it.
* You grin whenever you see a commercial for "E News".
* You can keep a straight face while uttering "Honestly, not that
many people are on drugs..."
* You're willing to spend $50 for a ticket for an event you might not
even go to, & $50 for something that might be aspirin, but you're not
willing to part with $3 for a bottle of water.
* You are driving your car home and feel like you're in a video game.
* You and your friends hear tumbling noises coming from he washing
machine and all start to argue whether its jungle or hardcore.
* Almost every letter of the alphabet has a separate meaning to you.
* You forget about your dreams of becoming a doctor and start to wonder
what it would be like to be a cartoon character.
* You wallpaper your room with flyers.
* You've got a huge pile of dead glow-sticks in your room because you
can't throw away because of 'sentimental value'.
* You lose 10 kilos in one night and the last thing you think about the
next morning is food.
* Air, water, food, medication... all hold equal importance to you.
* You've been close friends with someone for weeks without actually
knowing their name.
Public Msg #1234185 *Comedy* 00:59 25-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Elderly couple
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it
was finally time to marry. Before the wedding they embarked on
a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject
of their connubial relationship. "How do you feel about sex?"
he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused...then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Public Msg #1234385 *Comedy* 12:04 28-JUL-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: I know everyone
I was bragging to my boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there
is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of
my boasting,my boss called my bluff, "OK, Steve how about Tom
Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So
me and my boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door,
and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Steve! Great to see you! You
and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed,my boss is still skeptical. After we leave
Cruise's house, he tells me that he thinks my knowing Cruise was
just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," I say.
"President Clinton," My boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," I say, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off we
go.
At the White House, Clinton spots me on the tour and motions me and
my boss over, saying, "Steve, what a surprise, I was just on my way
to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a
cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally
convinced. After we leave the White house grounds, he expresses his
doubts to me, and I again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," my boss replies.
"Sure!" I say. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope
a long time." So off we fly to Rome.
My boss and I are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square
when I say, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye
among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so
let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the
Pope." and I disappeared into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later I emerge with the Pope on the
balcony. But by the time I return, I find that My boss has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working my way to the boss' side, I ask him, "What happened?"
The boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on
the balcony with Steve?"
Public Msg #1234792 *Comedy* 00:17 02-AUG-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
FILE: letter.txt
What was your father like in high school?
Public Msg #1238149 *Comedy* 05:11 02-SEP-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: The Ski Weekend
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving
for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there, and I have
this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,
she explained, and I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if
I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep
in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be
gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way
to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they
got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out,
but he finally determined that it was from the attorney
of that attractive widow he met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember that good-looking widow from the farm
we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?
Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.
"I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy,
I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
Public Msg #1238154 *Comedy* 05:20 02-SEP-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Sport
READ THE FOLLOWING SIX STATEMENTS AND THE AMAZING CONCLUSION THEY LEAD
TO:
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is GOLF.
AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, The
smaller your balls become.
Public Msg #1238155 *Comedy* 05:20 02-SEP-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 500 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Threesome?
Mary: "My last boyfriend said he fantasized about having two
girls at once."
Jill: "Yeah, most men do. What did you tell him?"
Mary: "I said, 'If you can't satisfy one woman, why would you
want to piss off two?'
Public Msg #1239083 *Comedy* 01:48 13-SEP-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Scarlet (Awarded 1000 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Headline.
I heard on the radio the other day a kind of competition to find the
best newspaper headline. Anyway, they found the *best* one!
The article was about a bloke that had escaped from a mental hospital
and raped a maid. The headline read:
Nut bolts screws washer
Brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-*Scarlet*-
Public Msg #1239437 *Comedy* 15:46 17-SEP-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 900 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Definitions
A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've
got a problem."
She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are
using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what they
are. He tells her "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's
no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch
is a female dog like our Sandy."
He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the
basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using
words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me
the exact meaning."
Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters,
she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy
and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf,
takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and
says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy."
"OK, dad, so what's a bitch?"
"Everything outside that circle."
Public Msg #1239438 *Comedy* 15:48 17-SEP-00 *EXEMPT*
From: Folken (Awarded 900 Credits)
To: ** ALL **
Subj: Olympic Spirit
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces
to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts out, "what makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"So what colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver: It would be
nice if you CAME second for a change!"
Public Msg #1246752 *Comedy* 08:42 13-JAN-01 *EXEMPT*
From: Tnailav (Awarded 20000 Credits)
To: Minniem
Subj: D00D J00 ARE ELITE
Copy by Tnailav, Copy by Kev, Copy *
HEY MAN I WNT U TO GIB ME MAB PASWORZ N STUF SO I CAN 0WNZ0R J00 IN DA
AYAZZ
Hello, this is valiant, could you please give me the password to my
"valiant" account so I can log in on it... - kev
D00D LIK FULLY I HAB MAB JUAREZ N 0 DAY SKILLZ N STUF N I LUB TO CHATZ0R
TO LITTLE GIRLZ WIT NO TITTIES BECOZ DEY REMIND ME OF BOYZ
<reads>... I think I can help active BBS because I have many things in
common with its userbase. I know all about "the sims", and I enjoy
teaching new users how to use the system.
FUK DA SIMZ WOT R DEY? DUD I JUS WAN TO HAB MAB SEKZ0R WIT AKTIB GILZ
BECOZ DEY AR UGLY N DAT MAKS ME HORNY
I love the sims... P.S: I dated laitha
DIS INTEPRETUH IS GHEY I HOP HE GETZ AIDS LIK AKUMA I WAN MAB WAERZ PLZ
GIB ME ZYZOP AXZ I GN0 WHERE J00 LIB
Wow, this person who is translating what I am saying is doing a really
good job, I want to have sex with him. So can I please have the password
to "Valiant" so I can have A access back? <note from translator: Help
vre!>
FUK A AXCZ I WNTO BE MAB SYSOP ELITE SIK SIK CUNT LIK KEB BECOZ I AM 13
AND HAB NO HARE ON MY DIK YET HAEHaheahehaEhaEhAHEQA~!!!11!
I want to be like pinky, Kev had no influence in getting me to call
again.
MINNIEM SED SHE WIL LET ME PLEH WIT HER SAGGY BOOBZ IF U GIB ME C AXZ
BUT IF I GET S ACXS DEN I BE LEETER SO SHE FUX ME NO DUBT AN I WANT TO
BE FUXED BEXORZ I AMB VIRGIN:(
I think I would like to sleep with minniem, please give me sysop access
so I can give her credits to sleep with me. I am a virgin too, just like
Pinky! :)
D0)D AZ MUSH AS I LUB JO0 I NED GO TOILEY NOW AN MUM HAZ TO WIP MAH BUM
FOR ME BECAUSE I DO NIGGAHBLANKETSHIT SO I HAB TO HID MY NADSAQ FROM HER
SO SHE DUN STICK IT IN HER CLITSAQ AN DEN I BE DADDY TO MY OWN BRUDDA YO
GN0 WOT I MEEN? I LUB J00 GIB ME AXXS BITOCH YEH!
My pull-ups have sprung a leak, so I must call my mother. My mothers
name is callisto and he wants to have sex with me in my pull-ups...
Oh... And I think I love you...
QUIT /X QUIT QUIT EXIT HOW I GET OUT OB HER I WAN GO TOLEY DAM FUK POO
SHIT I HAB MAB SKILLZ I WIL HAX0R J00 UP AYAZZ JIZZAYAZZPONYNUGGET
BLANKETSHIT WHIZZ FACE
I have to go now.
YORZ ,P
--===(LEET AKTIB HAX0R)===--
Yours faithfully, Valiant...
SERENITY HAB NO TITZ I LIK MINNIEMZ
PS: Don't forget my password, thanks. :)
Written By: Valiant
Translated By: Kev (for nickz)
E x
DOOD J00 SED PUT CREDITZ I TOOT U MENT HE GIB ME CREDZ?!?! :(~
Shut up valiant :)
Okay. :)
Except for that last PS: that was valiant, he showed his thenthative
side, WHAT A POOF 'EH ZERVOS!!!!! - Kev
wbhwahha